Reflections on 2016 - Part One

Let me start off by wishing all zero of you that read this a happy ${insert holiday here}, regardless of whatever December or end-of-year festivities you choose to celebrate. Or, if you're like me and you just don't give a shit about any of that stuff, I'll just wish you a happy snow day if you like skiing or boarding. And if you aren't into snow sports and you don't celebrate any December holidays, well, you suck. OK, I'm kidding, but if you do fall into that unfortunate category, I'll just wish you a happy and successful 2017, since it seems that a lot of people really didn't enjoy 2016 all that much.

2016 has been an interesting year in the life of Raven J. Blackbird. Sometimes I think I say that at the end of every year, but this year in particular has felt like one of transition and phase change, where doors that used to be closed (or even invisible) are now open, and my perspectives on various things that I might have thought once were set in stone have proven more mutable than expected. Anyway, this is part one of two (or three, I haven't decided yet) and this post will cover some of the unpleasant things that have happened this year. In the next entry I'll talk about some more positive things so that I don't leave the year on a down note.

The Shit Pile

Death (and Taxes?)

There was some death in my world this year; a cat (not an actual feline cat, mind you) that I knew from way back in the day in the Phoenix rave scene died a few months ago. We weren't super close, and he had a lot of issues, but at the same time, I had known the guy since the late 90s, and it's always disconcerting when people that are younger than you just up and croak. I mean, it's not like there's necessarily a good way to die, but it's easier to understand someone buying the farm in a car accident than it is when they just kick off without any obvious explanation. Cause of death is still, at least to me, unknown, and it's likely that I'll never know what actually happened.

Heartbreak Hotel

There was some heartbreak in my world this year, too. C and I "officially" split up. This had been in the works since 2014 to some extent, so we both knew it was coming eventually, but this was the year where people actually moved out and paperwork was filed, stuff was divided, and all of that governmental business got taken care of to restore us to our previous status as singletons. Yet we seem to get along better now than we did before. Maybe it's because there are no more expectations. Or maybe it's because when we hang out, we're actually doing it because we choose to, rather than because that's what's expected of us or because we live together. I don't know. There are still times when I miss her or times when I'm doing some activity and I think that it would be more fun if she were there, but like I tell everyone else - there's a reason why you broke up, and those reasons don't usually change. Certainly that's true in our case. So this still goes down in the shit pile, because I think it's still a failure and a shitty outcome, even if the end result isn't all hellfire and hatred. My mom doesn't understand how we can still be friends and like each other even though we aren't together, but I don't see where it is written that just because your relationship with a person doesn't work out in one form that it means you need to excise them from your life completely, and when you've been friends (or more) with someone for almost 20 years, you don't just throw that away if you don't have to.

Take This Job and Shove It

There was some job-related drama in my world this year, some of which was related to issues with processes and procedures at the company itself, but most of which centered around my interactions with one of my colleagues. I'm not even sure I could pinpoint the exact event or sequence of events where things all went down the shitter, because at one point we had a pretty decent relationship, and then we didn't. Towards the end of the summer I lost the ability to tell whether it was me being overly sensitive or him just being a jackass, and so my yearly pilgrimage to Ozora could not have come soon enough. It didn't help matters much that the company-related process and procedure issues were also coming to a head right around the same time, and getting rejected by the engineering promotion committee on the day that my vacation was to start was not exactly cause for reconciliation. Three weeks of vacation helped me to just stop caring about the engineering promotion process (in the end, I really never cared about getting promoted for the sake of a promotion - it's just about how many dollars are in my paycheck), but coworker R and I continue to have our difficulties. I'm not going to say that it's 100% his fault, because I'm sure it isn't, but I don't think it's a 50-50 split, either. The situation will resolve itself one way or the other in the fullness of time, but I couldn't tell you what I think the outcome will be.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I had to put someone on the "you no longer exist in my universe" list for the first time in years. This roster had actually been empty since the most recent name came off a couple years back, and I actually would have preferred it to remain as such, but I don't see any other possible outcome in this situation. What's interesting here is that previous names that have been on this list have all ended up there out of anger: in each case, there was some action or set of actions that led me to be so pissed off at said person's behavior that I'd be willing to erase whatever positive history we had. The last three people that were on my shit list also eventually got removed - in one case it was just an issue of time, in another it was a mutual friend of ours that mediated the reconnection, and in the third, it was a combination of mediation and an apology. Shit happened, but we're friends again to some degree or another.

This time it's a little different. I'm not eliminating the person in question from my consciousness because I'm angry or because I have any ill will towards her; in fact, it's exactly the opposite. I wish S all the happiness and success that she desires, but I think she has a lot of maturing to do and a lot of issues to work through, and until she learns to distinguish friend from faux (spelling intentional), I think she's going to end up unnecessarily (and, I think, unintentionally to some degree) kicking a lot of people in the proverbial nut sack. I don't have the inclination to be target practice for someone to figure out how to deal with their emotions in a rational way; I have enough trouble dealing with my own.

The thing is, I very much credit S with being the catalyst^[1] for a lot of positive change in my overall mental landscape this year. Our friendship may be over, but I can still say that meeting her kicked a lot of dormant circuitry back into operation, including a whole section of my brain which I really just didn't think was functional anymore, and for that I am thankful. I'm fairly certain that S has no idea this blog even exists or wouldn't read it even if she did, but I'm going to put this farewell message out into the ether anyway:

A blackbird could be the best friend one could ever hope for, but some people just don't like blackbirds, and other people just don't know how to properly interact with a blackbird when they're used to a coterie of mostly vultures, dodos, and boobies. That's OK. Blackbirds can be quite patient, but time and tide wait for no bird, and even the most forgiving avian will ultimately reach the conclusion that his presence is not wanted, stop waiting for Godot, and head off in some other direction that is more amenable to blackbird-kind. I will leave you with one last piece of advice: next time you want to rid yourself of a feathered friend (whether of the blackbird variety or not), do that bird a solid, be an adult, and just say "get the flock out of my life" and be done with it. Ghosting happens on a computer screen; it's not something that should happen in meatspace. No bird, no matter his size, color, or general airworthiness, deserves that kind of disrespect. Nonetheless, I wish you wisdom and happiness, and I remain grateful to the universe and almighty Zeus (and the Flying Spaghetti Monster) that you were a part of my life.

So, on that note, let's close out the shit pile and move on to some of the good things that have happened this year, because I think there have been quite a few. See you next post...