Blackbirds are Indestructible

LiveJournal Project H1 2007

Raven J. Blackbird -

Very sporadic set of updates this year.

Date: 2007-01-10 01:03
Subject: no sleep til brooklyn
Or at least none for me. I can't really figure this out. I've removed about 95% of the caffeine from my diet. I get up at about the same time every morning (well, during the week I do). I work out for an hour 4-5 days per week. I SHOULD BE TIRED!!!!

Seriously, what the hell is up with this? I get four to six hours of sleep per night, it's a struggle to drag my ass out of bed in the morning, but I do it anyway, wouldn't you think that when it gets to be around 11 or 12 at night that I'd start to get tired, and then, like a normal person, I'd climb into bed and go to sleep?

Ugh.

I suppose I could use all of this insomniac time to write a real update, but, eh, I've got other stuff to do. It's likely that I'll have some real news (don't know yet if it will be good or bad) in a few days, and when that happens, y'all will know about it. If it's good news, fuck, everybody I know will know about it. If you know what I'm referring to, please refrain from comment until aforementioned announcement has been made.

Date: 2007-01-20 00:30
Subject: holy shit, kids, an update!
the aforementioned news (in the previous entry) has yet to materialize, so i'm sitting here waiting and wondering what's going to happen just like i'm sure the rest of you aren't.

so, in the meantime, let's rant about the job.

my job is starting to really grate on my sanity - i just don't really understand the people that run the company - they're nice guys and i think they're good people, but i really question their business acumen at times. aside from the fact that it's gotten to the point where i have really no idea what my role is in the company and where i fit in, or what sort of future i might have there, i can't really understand some of their hiring decisions lately, let alone some of their planned new hires over the next few months. why the fuck do they need to hire a DBA? it's not like we have a shitload of databases floating around the office that need to be maintained. we have, uh, let's see, 6 of them, and i'm managing them quite well, thankyouverymuch, and they're kidding themselves if they think they're going to find someone that's an expert in all four of DB2, oracle, mySQL, AND MS-SQL server that doesn't cost an absolute shitload of money in salary.

and hey, you know, there's a reason that people have been quitting lately, you idiots - it's because you have this annoying tendency to do the old bait-and-switch - tell person that s/he's going to be hired to do X, Y, and Z (which is what the person wants to do) and instead give them W, T, F - as in WTF is wrong with you people?! do you think that properly-configured systems just magically grow on trees while the person that's supposedly responsible for setting them up has his nose buried in a bunch of schizophrenic java code? do you have any idea what would happen if there were a fire in the building and that little external USB drive that you think is so great for storing company backups on decided to melt? let me tell you what would happen: OUT OF FUCKING BUSINESS. CODE GONE. CODE ALL GONE. do you think maybe offsite backups would be worth paying attention to? maybe just a little?

hooray, so you finally ordered me the servers that i asked for because all of the existing ones are pieces of shit - maybe you'd like me to get them running for you sometime this year? maybe you'd like me to plug in those UPSes that are just sitting in the break room that i haven't even had time to take out of their fucking boxes? oh, wait, that's right, instead of letting me do what i do best, you thought it would be a good idea to throw me at some massive java project that's based on technologies and frameworks that i really know and care nothing about. brilliant. while you're at it, let's turn someone who wanted to be an educational consultant into the office manager and someone who wanted to be on the technical side of QA and testing into a fucking manager. (hmm, i wonder why those people just quit?) oh yeah, and let's hire another VP.

but at least you're finally getting around to giving me my 90-day review. 7 months late.

i'm really considering going back to consulting full-time -- at least then i can decide which assholes i want to deal with and charge them extra for being assholes. the only problem is that with contract work, you never really know how much money you're going to make each month until you've done the work and submitted the invoice, and, well, i have a fuck of a lot of monthly expenses. what they say in fight club about how your stuff eventually starts to own you is really true - i definitely need to simplify and get rid of a good chunk of the overhead - but i think until either A: i sell the house and we move to vegas or B: the vegas real estate market picks up and i sell the condo, there's not a whole lot i can do except suck it up. maybe i need a 5-year plan. it works for large corporations, maybe it would work for ravyn, cory, and cats inc.

ok, i'm done rambling on incoherently, and i don't feel like working on more code, so it's time for bed.

Time: 13:20
Subject: 2 updates in 2 days?
I wonder at what point the actions of a person become no longer separable from the person. They say that when you're arguing with someone or disciplining your children, you're never supposed to make it about them - it's not "I don't like you" but "I don't like what you did" - thus not treading on the person's self-image. But would it not be fair to say that the things that we do, for good or bad, are reflective of who we are? And if that's the case, if we act in such a way that we know, beforehand, is going to cause someone else grief, what does that actually say about our personality or our feelings toward that person?

If I say "please don't do XYZ" because of ABC, and you're fully-aware of both this feeling and the reasons for it, but then you go do it anyway, and then you do it again a few times here and there, at what point does the disrespect reach a level where I'm no longer willing to overlook it?

What does it really say about you that this shit continues to occur, and what does it really say about me that I keep accepting it? I don't think the answers to either part of that question are all that happy.
Mood: resigned

Date: 2007-02-01 21:31
Subject: GOOOOOOGLE!!!!
Google is going to offer me a job.

Doing what, you ask? This:

We are looking for Corporate Reliability Engineers to join the Google Internal Systems Engineering team. Google Corporate Reliability Engineers are in the thick of everything involved with keeping Google running, from code-level troubleshooting of service anomalies to safeguarding the availability of our corporate services; from monitoring and response to building new automation infrastructure to balancing the desire for change management with the need for stability. All team members must have strong analytical and troubleshooting skills, good communication skills, and most of all, enthusiasm for tackling the complex problems of scale which are uniquely Google. We tackle challenging, novel situations every day, and work with just about every other engineering and operations team at Google in the process. We are hiring at all levels for this position.

In this role you will need:

* Expertise in analyzing and troubleshooting large-scale distributed systems.
* Experience in a high-volume or critical production service environment.

Qualifications:

* BS/MS in Computer Science, or equivalent.
* Fluency in SQL and transactional databases, MySQL a plus.
* Fluency in one of more of: Shell, Perl or Python.
* Solid working knowledge of UNIX, preferably Linux.
* Experience in one or more of: Java, C++, or other object-oriented language.
* A strong sense of ownership, urgency, and drive.
* Ability to handle periodic on-call duty, as well as out-of-band requests.
* Excellent communication skills and a strong customer orientation.
* Experience with billing/financial, human resources, datawarehousing, or CRM applications a plus.

How much? Don't know yet. They're putting together a formal offer packet that has to go to executive review and then should be heading my way in a couple weeks.

The catch? (Or, some might say, an added bonus) -- it's in Mountain View, not here in Phoenix.

So far this process has been in the works for almost 4 months now, and it's been a wild ride - I first submitted my resume back in October, then went through two phone interviews and an essay test before finally getting the email that they wanted to fly me out to CA to interview in person. Had my interviews last month, and it didn't really look like anything was going to happen-- the last I'd heard from the recruiter was that one of the four people that I interviewed with didn't like me - whether it was a personality issue or if this person just thought that my knowledge in a particular area wasn't up to Google standards, I don't know. However, the hiring manager for the position wanted to discuss it all further -- but she was in India and I had to wait until she got back. Weird - someone that I didn't meet at all throughout the entire process is in there fighting for me. Well, I guess the one naysayer got persuaded, because yesterday I got the following email:

"So, we're going to try to pull together an offer packet for executive review for the week of 2/12/07. I'll need a few things from you to get this off the ground. FIRST, the role that the team has in mind for you does sit here in Mountain View, CA. Would you be willing to consider a relocation? If this is acceptable, then I'll need the following:

References: 3 professional references, where you know them for, length of acquaintance, reporting structure. I'll need name/email addresses for these folks.
Compensation: I have the information from your application, but are there any other components I need to know of? Company bonus, profit sharing?
Transcripts: Because you've graduated in the last 3 years, I'll need copies of your transcripts.

Please let me know if you have any questions, we're excited to move forward!!

Thanks so much!!"

So, there it is. I have a lot to think about - and once I get the official offer packet, then I'll have that much more to think about. I already put my notice in at the job that I was bitching about a few entries ago - and man is my boss kissing my ass. But I don't really think there's much that they could offer me where I'd stay at that job vs. going to Google. Where it gets really complicated is that I was thinking about going back to contract work full-time, so that's going to all have to factor into the final decision. Plus, well, it's expensive to live in Mountain View -- so hopefully whatever the goog offers me is reflective of the cost-of-living difference. We shall see. Life never ceases to be interesting.

Date: 2007-03-14 16:33
Subject: google, part 13
Google finally made their formal offer last week, although it was slightly different than what I posted down below (above). The main thing is that the job is actually here in their Tempe office (very close to home - if I had a bike it would be within biking distance, particularly since they have showers in their building) rather than in Mtn. View. The salary is a little bit ($3k) less than what I'm currently making, but there are options and stock grants and such that offset the decrease (assuming that I make it there a year or longer and my shit starts vesting). The counter offer, made by my current job, was a promotion to Director of IT that would entail more or less a complete rewrite of my job description into exactly what I wanted it to be plus a $12k raise.

It wasn't an easy decision to make by any means, and I waffled back and forth a few times, but in the end, I picked Google, and my first day is on March 26th.

Do I think I made the right decision? I don't know. I wish I felt better about it - I feel like I should be more enthusiastic about the whole thing, but I'm not. I don't know if it's just nervous uncertainty or if it's really my intuition kicking in and saying that I'm about to make a colossal mistake. My intuition works that way -- it waits until after I've decided to do something that I shouldn't do and then it screams -- and if I don't listen, I usually end up FUCKED. Failing to listen to that little voice is the reason that I have an overpriced condo in Vegas and, it could be argued, the same reason that my favorite cat is no longer with us. Thing is, I can't put my finger on any specific item that's bothering me about the whole Google situation -- I do have one major concern, but it's not something I'm going to know the resolution of until I get there -- my worry is that since I'll be in ops, I won't have much interaction with the cool stuff that's happening in engineering. I don't know if departments at Google are insular like that or if the engineers get treated really well while everyone else gets shit upon or if there's all kinds of overlap and I'll get plenty of knowledge immersion.

Everyone's telling me that Google was the right choice. Maybe that will turn out to be so. Maybe after two months I'll give them the big middle finger and quit. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough - but in the end, what I really want to be doing is the same thing I've always wanted to be doing -- working on my own stuff.

Date: 2007-03-22 04:09
Subject: Google, part 69
Dear Ms. XXXX--

So, let me start off by saying that you have my humblest apologies, but upon further reflection I have determined that, while assuredly a great place to work for a great number of people, given my personality, my career and personal goals, Google is not the right place for me. As such, I am withdrawing my acceptance of the offer for the System Administrator position.

I'm sure that you're probably surprised, disappointed, perhaps angry, or maybe some combination of all of the above, and if so, I am sorry, but the fact is that I've been apprehensive of my decision ever since I made it, and in the end, I had to take every piece of advice that everyone gave me regarding this situation, just throw it all away, and trust my instincts. Logically, I could argue the merits of choosing option A over B or B over A ad infinitum, but my gut is pretty clear on the issue when it says that accepting this position would ultimately be a mistake. When I don't listen to my intuition, it always turns out badly, so this time I'm going to make sure that I heed its advice.

Thank you for the opportunity and the work that you've done on my behalf during the whole application process, and my sincerest apologies for backing out at the last minute, but one has to do what one has to do.

Best wishes,
ravyn440.

Yes, I really did send that, and yes, I really did turn down Google. In the end, all the advice that people gave me about what they would do in my position doesn't mean anything - I have to do what I believe is going to make me happy, because, well, as my mom always likes to say, it's my life, and I'm the one that has to live in it. Wondering why this turn of events came about? It's all about trusting my instincts. When I do that, I usually end up in a good place. When I ignore my intuition's alarm bells, Bad Shit(TM) happens.

I could go into all kinds of more detail, but I see no reason to. Carry on.

BTW, ioerror -- I guess that means I'll have to postpone the sushi - but there's a conference in SF in mid-April that I really want to attend, so if I find myself there, I'm sure there will be plenty of tasty fish still to be eaten.

Date: 2007-04-03 21:20
Subject: someone set us up the bomb. what you say?
Yeah, whatever. I don't really know why I even bother writing in this thing anymore, but since it's here, and there's shit going on, might as well chronicle it for posterity.

So my job is having its own version of "The Biggest Loser" -- we're a software company, and a bunch of us are overweight (think there's some sort of correlation there?) so somehow the idea was hatched to turn losing weight into a competition. The entry fee is $50, and the person who loses the biggest percentage of body fat wins 75% of the money, and the person who loses the most pounds gets the other 25% (so, theoretically, one person could win it all). There are, I think, 10 people entered, so that's shaping up to be a nice chunk of change. We started this last Monday and it goes for 8 weeks, so it will be interesting to see who says "fuck it!" and gives up after 3 weeks of diet and exercise misery. Honestly, I'll be amazed if everyone that's currently involved sticks with it - I just don't see it happening. None of us are grossly obese, either, so I could see people giving up due to a lack of perceived progress.

Anyway... there's a little chart on our corporate wiki that lists everyone's weight and how much they've lost (well, it will say that once we have the first weigh-in next Monday) -- I think my weight puts me right at the median, so really, it's all the people that weigh more than me that I'm going to have to watch out for - and some of those people aren't really into exercise, so in the end, I think my only real competition comes down to my boss and one other guy. Of course, those two are also the only other people that I think know anything about diet and nutrition, so I'll be curious to see how it all works out. What's my plan? PSMF! I ran through two three-week cycles of this diet back in 2005 and went from over 260 to under 240 (I can lose 12lbs in 19 days or so), and I still have enough blubber left on my belly that it should be effective.

My start weight (fully clothed, with shoes on, and having just chugged 0.5 gallons of water for the sole purpose of having a higher starting number) was 234. Let the games begin...

Date: 2007-04-04 21:29
Subject: Who's a loser?
Start of day 3.
Official weight (on the company scale): 230.0
Unofficial weight (at home): 223.2

Date: 2007-04-09 21:25
Subject: end of week 1
Official weight: 223.0
Unofficial weight: 222.0

First week's change: -11.0 lbs

Who's in the lead? Who do you think? Of course, it only gets harder from here.

Date: 2007-04-12 17:50
Subject: The Don Imus double standard
So, if you've been anywhere near a news outlet in the past few days, you've probably heard about Don Imus referring to the Rutgers women's basketball team as "nappy-headed hos" and all of the uproar that came about as a result. Today, CBS gave Imus the boot. I could spend the next few lines of text talking about free speech and Imus' right to say whatever the fuck he wants on his show. I could also spend the next few lines talking about the need for media responsibility and the inappropriateness of what he said. I'm not going to do either of those, because honestly, I don't really give a shit what Imus says on his show or what happens to him as a result. It's NOT MY PROBLEM.

However, I would like to pose a little question or two to everyone who thinks that Imus got what he deserved. What's the difference between Imus saying "nappy-headed hos" and a rapper talking about "hos" in his songs? Why is one of these acceptable and the other one not, and why is it that the same media conglomerates which sent Imus packing are the same ones that have no problem accepting money for records which contain language which is just as, if not more, misogynistic? Would Imus have gotten in the same trouble if he had simply used the phrase without directing it at a specific group of people?

I wonder how many of the women on the Rutgers team listen to Snoop Dogg...
Mood: curious

Date: 2007-04-16 10:32
Subject: end of week 2
official weight: 220.5
unofficial weight: 219.2
lowest weight seen so far: 218.2

Who's in the lead? Not me anymore. There are at least two people who have lost 0.5lbs more than me. One of those guys started out 20lbs heavier than me, so I'm still ahead of him, but the other one started out only 5lbs ahead of me, and I think he's now ahead by 0.1 percent. There are, however, still 6 weeks to go.

Date: 2007-04-19 17:14
Subject: Virginia Tech, Columbine, 9/11
Y'all know I'm a heartless bastard who's disconnected from most of society, so I don't expect that what I'm about to say is going to come as any great surprise, but after seeing this -- "They are more than just 32 people whose lives ended in horror and heroism at the Virginia Tech massacre." -- on the front page of CNN.com, I couldn't resist pointing out what should be rather obvious:

There is not a goddamn thing heroic about being shot up by a psychopath or blown to bits by a suicide bomber. These people that died are no different than you or me (except for the fact that they're dead) and there's nothing conspicuously meritorious about any of them that warrants this kind of lionization. Heroic would have been "student takes down shooter while he's reloading, saving his fellow classmates" or "student gets shot in the leg but manages to stab Cho Seung-Hui in the throat before he could kill her" or something along those lines. Heroic implies courage and valor and risk to oneself for something greater, not simply being unfortunately unlucky and in the wrong place at the wrong time.

One more thing. It's not news anymore. We know who did it. We know who's dead. Let their families and friends do their grieving, and for the rest of us, it's time to move on. Seriously. If these people had been killed by drunk drivers, AIDS, or had they just been picked off one at a time due to a convenience store robbery gone bad, would it be (inter)national news? Would we know (or care to know) everything about their life stories? Of course not. So there's no reason that we need to know or care to know now about the lives of people that, had they lived, we'd still probably never have interacted with or known about.

Remember, kids, Iraq is still a problem. Iran is still a problem. We still have a monkey in the White House. And, katryn, I know you said that this wasn't really the time to ask this question, but you know, I disagree. It is a good question that deserves to be asked as long as this incident remains a piece of front page news: Why is it that it took Shrub a week to go to New Orleans but only 24 hours to go to VTech?

Date: 2007-04-30 21:35
Subject: end of week 4
official weight: 214.0
unofficial weight: 214.0
lowest weight seen so far: 213.8

back in the lead...

Date: 2007-05-01 01:03
Subject: (no subject)
By request from miss_jag, some details on my current diet & workout program.

1: 4 to 5 meals per day. If you would normally eat a full chicken breast as one meal, cut that fucker in half and eat it in two separate meals, spaced out by about 3 hours. A typical day's food intake for me:

Meal 1: 4 to 8 egg whites, 2 vegetarian sausage patties
Meal 2: A can of tuna + 2 or 3 Tbsp of light mayo
Meal 3: 1/2 a chicken breast + salad with minimal dressing
Meal 4: Something chicken or fish based with vegetables
Meal 5: Something light, like a yogurt

Other things that get substituted in - sometimes one of the middle meals will just be a large salad (like the kind you can make at a good salad bar) with minimal dressing, a low-carb protein bar, or a few pieces of sushi or sashimi, etc.

No calories from beverages unless it's a protein shake - this means no non-diet soda, no milk, no alcohol. Milk is OK in small quantities, but I would rather eat all of my calories because it makes me feel fuller. I don't eat very much red meat even when I'm not on a diet, but it would be OK to substitute in small quantities if it's lean. Same thing with pork and cooked fish (I only like raw fish). 98% fat-free hot dogs are ok, as is fat free cheese - although fat free cheese does not taste that good when it's been melted. Deli meat like turkey or chicken or even ham is ok, too, but minimal bread. Use a low-carb whole wheat tortilla, or one piece of bread where you might otherwise have two, but keep your carbs to a minimum.

The trick to doing this kind of diet for any length of time is making sure that you have a lot of different ways to season your food. For my chicken, I alternate between an italian herb mixture with lots of garlic, some pre-made indian sauces (they're really fucking good for store-bought sauce), teriyaki, soy ginger, and sometimes barbeque. 1/2 a chicken breast with the italian seasoning that I then put a few forkfuls of marinara sauce and some parmesan cheese makes for a good low-carb version of chicken parmigiana that I can eat for a couple days in a row and not get tired of. For anything stir-fry, I throw in a bag of frozen vegetables and usually this + 2.5lbs of chicken will make me 6 separate meals.

I've done this diet very strict, and I've done it not as strict - last week I had a couple of pieces of banana chocolate-chip cake at a friend's birthday party - having a little bit of cheat food here and there not only gives you something to look forward to, but it also gives you extra calories to keep your body from thinking that you're going into starvation and shutting down your metabolism. My average calorie intake is around 1000 to 1200 per day.

2: Workouts -- on a heavily carb and calorie restricted diet, it's pretty hard if not impossible to gain much muscle, but it's important to lift weights 2 or 3 times per week to maintain what you've got, and chances are with the increased protein intake you'll get stronger anyway. You want to do a full body workout, hit every major muscle group, and lift moderatly heavy (6 to 10 reps per set). Cardio should also be 2 to 3 days per week for 30-45 minutes - your choice for what you want to do - I do the elliptical machine or I run, and when my shoulder is healed up I'll probably be swimming a lot. Alternate between moderate intensity steady workouts and high-intensity interval workouts for your cardio.

3: Supplements -- You can do this diet with an ECA-stack (ephedra, caffeine, aspirin) to boost your metabolism and keep your appetite down. I've done it with phentermine (prescription diet drug) before, too, but this time I'm doing it drug-free and the results have been basically the same. I would, however, recommend a good multivitamin and some omega-3 fish oil capsules. These are things you should be taking even if you're not on a diet.

4: Drink lots of water. Cold water is preferable, because your body burns calories to heat it up to body temperature so it can be processed.

5: Every week or two, take one day and eat whatever you want (within reason - don't go eat three pizzas and a hot fudge sundae or anthing). Again, it's all about keeping your body from going into starvation mode.

6: Write it all down - what you ate, when you ate it, how many calories were in it, etc. The reasons for this should be obvious.

That's really it. The first few days are the hardest, I think, but once you get into a routine it's not that bad. They say that a successful diet is really about lifestyle change, and I think that's true to a certain degree, but I've always found it easier to maintain weight than to lose it, so this works well for me. Also, what I've found is that after I do this kind of diet for a few weeks, when it's officially over, I don't go back to eating all the crap that I was eating pre-diet. I'll eat more carbs when the diet is over, but overall my general eating patterns will be healthier.

One last thing -- I'm lazy and don't have a lot of time to cook, so anytime I can prepare several meals' worth of food in advance, I do it. I'd rather cook something on day 1 and eat leftovers for the next 2-3 days, even if I get tired of whatever it is that I'm eating, because it means I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat. I can just grab a container out of the fridge, throw it in the microwave, and boom, I've got food.

Date: 2007-05-02 16:34
Subject: Today's entry brought to you by the letters D, M, C, and A.
09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

Date: 2007-06-03 00:46
Subject: it's good to have goals
So I've been thinking lately about all the things that I want to do before I die. Granted, I'm not expecting to kick off anytime soon, but so many people go through life aimlessly and end up at the finish line wondering only "how the fuck did I get here?" and "where did all the time go?" I don't want to be one of those people. I've never really known with any sense of concreteness what I've wanted to do with my life, but I've always had some idea of some of the things that I'd like to do between now and whenever. So now I'm going to put it down here in a list as a reminder. Some of these things are time-sensitive and need to be done sooner rather than later, and some of them aren't. So, without further ado and in no particular order...

  1. Play in the World Series of Poker Main Event
  2. Get an advanced degree, maybe two
  3. Run an 8 minute mile
  4. Run a 7 minute mile
  5. Live in Japan for a year or two before I'm 35 (maybe grad school in Japan?)
  6. Have a threesome with two three (thanks for the tip, ioerror) women (hey now, cut me some slack here, it's not like most guys wouldn't agree with me on this one)
  7. Bench 400lbs
  8. Squat 600lbs
  9. Deadlift 600lbs
  10. Run a half-marathon in 2.5 hours or less
  11. Finish a full marathon
  12. Have one professional MMA fight
  13. Get my wing chun black sash
  14. Start a foundation (I don't know what the recipient or the cause would be yet - whether I'll do something for people or for cats -- since, in general, people suck and cats are great)
  15. Stop being a wage slave (granted, I'm a pretty well-paid wage slave, but a wage-slave nonetheless) and go back to being exclusively self-employed.
  16. Bicycle across the US

As I add to this list or cross things off of it, I'm sure I'll be updating.

Edit: So I started wondering which of these I thought would be achievable first, or how long certain items might take to accomplish, and I'm going to put my money on #3 as the first to go. I'm at about 8:30 as it is, so shaving off 30 seconds doesn't sound too hard. After that, it's anyone's guess. Some of these might take quite some time - #13, for instance, is at least 2 years away. #14 is probably 10 years out. Guess I'd better get busy.

Kinda funny the sort of things that were on my bucket list in 2007. I've only crossed off one of them, 11 years later, and it was not the one I expected. It was also a lot less satisfying than I expected it to be, and most likely I would not attempt to do it again.