LiveJournal Project: April 2002

And here we go. One down, 78 remaining.

Date: 2002-04-13 21:06
Title: airport sekuritee
as i passed through the airport security checkpoint on wednesday evening en route to a flight to calgary, i got selected by the power-tripping agents for a random security check. the guy gave me a pat down and ran the metal detector wand over me, stopping to check the bottoms of my shoes lest i be attempting to pull a richard reid. after gathering up my shit and proceeding on to the gate, i really had to stop and ponder the efficacy of these new security measures. if we assume (and i believe this is a big assumption) that the selection process is indeed random, then what good is it doing? when we consider the number of potential terrorists in relation to the entire universe of air travelers, the number is likely to be quite small. would we not be better served by a more intelligent selection process, as opposed to some minimum-wage-earning schmuck who might have a GED just getting a bug up his ass and deciding to pick the next person who walks through the metal detector (i've actually heard this at gates - "oh, we'll just take the next person through")? airport security is a joke to begin with, even with these "enhanced" procedures; if someone wants to smuggle some forbidden items onto a plane, it's going to happen, but since this is all we've got, we ought to at least make an attempt to improve its efficiency. how do we do that? consider that the bottom line is that the most imminent terrorist threat to american interests comes from foreigners of arab and islamic backgrounds. that's not exactly a politically-correct thing to say, but it's the bloody truth, and if we're really serious about improving "homeland security" then it's time to face the reality of the situation and keep a better eye on these people when they travel our skies. sure, there are plenty of foreign muslims who don't condone terrorism and who aren't going to be carrying bombs or guns or whatever on airplanes, but the fact remains that we're probably going to root out more terrorists by looking at their core group (foreign muslims and arabs) than we are by picking out the blue-eyed pagan with purple hair.

there is a reason that stereotypes exist - it's because they have some basis in fact. when it's muslims that are flying planes into our buildings, we don't point the finger at buddhists. when it's arabs that are blowing themselves up in the name of allah, we don't point the finger at the french.

no innocent person wants to be associated with the guilty. not all ravers are hardcore drug-users, yet the media portrays raves as drug-laden orgies filled with barely post-pubescent kids. not all goths are angst-ridden columbines waiting to happen, but in many circles they are looked on with a mixture of distrust, anxiety, and derision. not all muslims are bomb-wielding terrorists, either, but thanks to the actions of a small collection of bad apples, the whole group will suffer. and as much as it's supremely distasteful to single out a specific group, it's far better than sitting through another 9/11, especially if it could have been prevented. if only i had enough trust in the government to manage such a profiling program without seriously fucking it up. but that's a story for another day.
Music: Remy Zero - Save Me
Mood: annoyed

Date: 2002-04-15 01:39
Title: shit happens
found out on friday night that my friend mark is going to be a dad. i can't say that i'm happy for him. for someone that i consider to be reasonably intelligent, what kind of stupidity does it take to be in a relationship with someone where you spend much of your time thinking about how to get out of the relationship yet when you fuck you don't practice any methods of birth control?!? when you play with fire and gasoline in an already volatile situation, it's only a matter of time before it all explodes in your face and leaves you with a clusterfuck from which you cannot easily and painlessly extricate yourself. it's one thing to want a baby and to work toward that end, by getting married, saving up some money, buying a house, you know, all that traditional stuff, and it's another thing to not want a baby and to take steps in order to prevent such a thing from happening, and still another to accept that accidents happen. but a completely nonchalant attitude of "whatever happens, happens" is absolutely moronic. stupid. i don't have words to describe it.

i wouldn't be nearly as upset with all of this if it weren't for the fact that his girlfriend is an immature, manipulative, unstable, greedy little bitch who is probably going to use this new development in their relationship as a way to extend her tendrils even deeper into his soul. mark's got a good heart and i think he'd make a great parent someday, but not with her.

what annoys me further is that it seems next to impossible to actually get a straight answer from him as to how he feels about the whole situation. i can't even begin to speculate. i just hope that somewhere in the back of his mind there's a little voice that says "dude, you're a moron."

yeah, i'm a bastard. but i'm not going to put on some bullshit front and lie and spout platitudes about something which could very well fuck up the future of someone that i care about. you'll get no sugar-coating here.
Mood: pissed off

Time: 03:07
Title: so much for sleep...
i thought i was going to be in bed about two hours ago, but instead i got sucked into trying to modify the style and layout of my journal so that it didn't look quite so lame. i think i've managed to whittle away a few lame points, but it's still not the way i want it. ah well, if i hope to drag my arse out of bed in the morning i'd better pack it in for the night. tomorrow brings a new day and a new collection of insanity to tickle thee brain.
Mood: drained

Time: 10:47
Title: give it up for the ephedra rush!
got that legal tweek (xenadrine) flowing through my veins and all i can say is (with shirt pulled overhead and arms twitching violently) i am cornholio! i need tp for my bunghole!! you do not want to make my bunghole angrrrrrry! denise says that people she's known that have taken these sorts of supplements usually burn out quickly or find that their heart starts racing and they don't like it. thankfully, neither of those things happen to me, and i can just sit back and suck up the energy rush. now we'll see if it actually jacks up my metabolism enough to help me get rid of some excess mass in my ass. i suppose firebombing mcdonald's might help with that, too.
Mood: hyper

Time: 14:41
Title: icq = barf!
i'd just like to take a moment to say that ICQ sucks donkey dick. in the process of trying to clean up my contact list, the size of the program ballooned to approximately 100MB of memory used up. can we say bloatware, ladies and gentlemen? even microsuck doesn't produce code this poor. i've switched to trillian. now i can have all my IM services combined into one, and without the massive resource suckage. not to mention no ads.
Music: Jon the Dentist - Additive
Mood: satisfied

Date: 2002-04-16 13:34
Subject: day 3 of 12
this is now day 3 of my 12-day hardcore strict diet, and i'd just like to take a moment to say that i'm ready to eat a small child. (with ketchup, of course) basically i'm just trying to drop 10 pounds or so before we (myself and 4 friends) go off to vegas for a weekend of fun and mayhem. not that a 10 pound deficit is really going to be all that noticeable (not to me, anyway), but at least then i'll have created a small mass-vaccuum which i can then fill up by porking out on all the free food at the casinos. starve now, eat later. yeah, something like that, anyway. the pills i've been taking (see below, "ephedra rush") don't seem to be working quite as well as they had been the last couple days.

i suppose it wouldn't be so bad except that i'm currently sitting at the office with nothing to do, as usual, and i'm bored off my ass. and boredom is the root of all hunger. seriously. ever notice that when you get seriously engrossed in whatever you're doing, whether it be reading or working or playing a game or whatever, that you lose track of time and bodily function (except for excrement, that never goes away) ? time flies when you're having fun, time drags ass when you're bored.
Music: Talamasca - The Racer
Mood: hungry

Time: 21:50
Subject: note to self...
on the xenadrine bottle, it suggests that you take it 30 minutes prior to exercise as an energy booster. my ass!! i took my last two capsules for the day at 4:30pm, and then went to kung fu at 6:30. got through the latter half of brown belt class without any problems, but then while sparring 30% during lower belt class i was completely drained. i suppose the fact that i'm eating 1000 calories per day or less probably has something to do with it. oh well. thank god for protein shakes mixed with bananas. 9 more days to go. what price, vanity?
Mood: exhausted

Date: 2002-04-18 15:40
Subject: upcoming elections...
one of the initiatives on the upcoming election here in tempe is regarding smoking in public places - if the bill passes, it would be similar to the mesa law which would ban smoking in public places (and do some other stuff related to smoking in the workplace, but i didn't read it in enough detail to care about that part). what i find most amusing about all of this is that the opponents of prop. 200 are putting the following phrase on their billboards and in their campaign materials: "protect your right to choose." i'm just curious as to exactly what right to choose they're talking about here. from reading the arguments in the pamphlet i received in the mail today, it sounds like they're telling smokers to vote against prop. 200 in order to protect their right to smoke wherever they want to. ha! what a crock of shit. what about my right to choose to breathe air which isn't polluted any more than it already is by smog and cars?

when you snort cocaine, the only person whose health you're affecting is yourself, because all that nasty whiteness is going up your nose, and your nose only. when you smoke, if there are others nearby, they're more or less forced to inhale some of your gray death, regardless of how and which direction you choose to exhale. cigarette smoke is like a cat in that respect, it goes where it is least wanted and towards those who are most allergic. if i wanted to smoke, i'd go buy my own damn cigarettes, thank you, and not rely on your exhalations to support my habit.

sorry folks, but your right to choose where you want to smoke ends where my lungs begin. deal with it. i'll be voting yes on prop. 200 - and that, alone, is a miracle, given how rarely i give enough of a shit about something to cast a ballot.
Music: DJ Sasha Riker - Spontaneity 12
Mood: blah

Time: 21:34
Subject: day 5 of 12...i want some pizza, dammit!
so despite my serious pizza cravings tonight, i've managed to sustain this current diet business that i'm on, and according to the scale at the gym, i've dropped 3 pounds since sunday. according to the most unholy bastards at blue cross/blue shield of arizona, i am now just 2 small pounds away from being able to finally get health insurance. fuckers. just because there's a significant amount of mass in my ass doesn't mean that i'm a fat slob that sits on the couch all day watching television, drinking beer and eating sausage. but apparently they don't care about anything except the cold, raw numbers.

in other news, i downloaded a copy of the new rush album today and i'm checking it out. so far i don't really know if i like it or not. i've heard "one little victory" on the radio a few times and don't much care for it, but like most rush albums, it takes several listens before i can really decide. it sorta grows on you, like fungus.

much to do tomorrow... need to get some pix taken, go shopping, hit the post office, and start working on my damn paper - no idea what the title is going to be, but the current topic is the presentation of a workable plan to reduce the probability of terrorist action against US interests in the next few years. relatively straightforward topic, and i know exactly what arguments i'm going to make, i just don't feel like doing the work. i'd better find some motivation this weekend.
Music: Rush - Vapor Trails (yeah, i'm a bad, bad music pirate)
Mood: indifferent

Date: 2002-04-19 15:50
Subject: gaaaaaah!!
what a shitty day this is turning out to be. well, frustrating, anyway. first i go to get some passport photos, and there's only one person working in the photo place and she's with some people. ok, fine, no big deal. there's another couple waiting with their little gremlin to get pictures taken while i'm sitting there. the first group gets done, and instead of just taking my damn pictures and letting me go, which would take all of five minutes, i end up sitting there for an hour listening to the parents of the second child making all manner of goo-goo gaa-gaa noises to get their ugly little shit to smile for the camera. i don't know how people who work in photo places can stand it - i was ready to go postal, and probably would have, had i heard one more "buguguauaua" out of the rather effeminate-sounding father.

so then i go to get my hair cut, and i'm happy because kate, the stylist that i like, is working that day. the counter girl tells me that it's going to be about a 35 minute wait, which is ok, so i grab a magazine and sit down. about 45 minutes later, kate comes over and tells me that she's doing a bleach job that won't be done before she leaves, but since none of the other stylists knew that, i got passed over. so i end up waiting an hour and a half to get my hair cut. fuckin' christ! at least the person who did cut it did a good job, so i can't bitch about that.

but, here's the real pisser. i made an appointment to get my hair colored for next week (going black with red streaks this time) and i pull out my zaurus to put it in my calendar, and i find that the bloody thing has managed to do a hard reset on me. i don't even know how - the battery was fully charged and it was just sitting in my pocket, but it nuked itself and wiped out all my data and installed software. gaaaaaaah!!! at least i've got it all backed up on my desktop.

this is not an auspicious beginning for my weekend. it'd better improve or someone is likely to incur the wrath of ravyn. =/
Mood: aggravated

Time: 16:04
Subject: prop 200, revisited
i was thinking some more about this today, and one of the main objections by business owners in tempe is that it'll hurt business, because smokers will decide to frequent businesses in other parts of the valley. but hey, what would happen if phoenix, scottsdale, gilbert, and all the rest got on the clean-lungs bandwagon and passed similar measures to what tempe and mesa have? i seriously doubt that the nicotine-addicted will dogpile into their cars and drive down to tucson just for the sole purpose of going out for a beer and a smoke in some air conditioned establishment.

Time: 22:58
Subject: damn quizzes, but i couldn't resist. and this is fitting.
Editor's note: I used to fill these things out all the time back in the old LJ days. Given how old these postings are, I don't expect the original quizzes to still be around, so rather than copy and paste dead links, I'm just going to list the name of the quiz, the results, if possible, and include any descriptive text that may be available.
Name of the quiz: Which Angel are You?
My results: The Angel of Death
What does it mean? Who knows.

Date: 2002-04-20 19:05
Subject: the agony of de feet (and de legs, and de shoulders, etc...)
just got home from a 10 hour kung fu marathon - the grandmaster was in town teaching the first and second roads of the shaolin double daggers. my legs were already sore from thursday at the gym, and now they're more or less jello. much, much pain. the forms are cool, though, and at least i have a video to remind me of all the parts that i've already forgotten. =/ we're suspending the diet today in favor of some pizza, which has been on my mind since thursday, because tomorrow begins the last 5 days of soup, soup, and nothing but soup.
Mood: exhausted

Date: 2002-04-21 18:48
Subject: writer's block sux0rs!
so i've been sitting here at the computer for the last 3 hours trying to write this goddamn paper, and so far i've got exactly what i had when i started. NOTHING! fuckin' christ. i thought i was going to be a good little student and start working on this thing a week before it's actually due, so i could have it done before i go to vegas and not have to worry about it when i get back, but my brain refuses to cooperate. i've started writing several times, only to decide that what i'm writing sucks and scrap it and start over. maybe i just need to say "to hell with it" until monday of next week, the day before it's due, and then blast it all out in a caffeine-fueled explosion of verbal diarrhea.
Music: Aphrodite - Sweet Mind
Mood: blank

Time: 19:04
Subject: i'm bored. REALLY bored
This was a quiz, obviously. - Ed.
Name of the quiz: Not sure, something about Raver vs. Geek, I think.
Results: 82.5% Raver Geek
What does it mean? You are pretty evenly split between raver and geek. Seriously, though, it's pretty close.
Music: DJ Irish - Assorted Trance Vol. 2

Date: 2002-04-22 11:51
Subject: no soup for you!
today begins stage two of the mayhem diet... which basically means that from now until friday when i leave for vegas, i'm going to be eating nothing but this wack-ass vegetable soup that i'm in the process of making. it's cooking on the stove at this very moment. i really have no idea if it's going to be edible or if i'm going to wretch every time i attempt to eat it. time to load the pot with tons of spices and hope for the best, i suppose. 'tis likely that i'll post a daily update as to how much i like or dislike the stuff and whether or not it seems to be working. theoretically i'm supposed to be able to drop 10 pounds by friday eating it, which i imagine is going to entail me spending a lot of time in the bathroom. joy, o wonderful joy. but if it works, and if i don't come back from vegas 15 pounds fatter, then i can't bitch. we shall see....
Mood: curious

Time: 16:47
Subject: one more for the road.
Apparently there was also a quiz here. -Ed.
now I'm going to work on my paper, dammit!
Music: Tunnel Trance Force Vol. 20, CD 2- Ceremony Mix
Mood: determined

Date: 2002-04-23 14:40
Subject: what was i thinking??
two words: fuck soup. not only was that stuff the most vile thing i'd ever attempted to force myself to eat, but by the end of the day i also found a serious lack of energy. i could tolerate it for a few days based on the taste (or lack thereof) alone, but when it's 7pm and all i want to do is go to sleep because i just don't have any gas left, then i think there's something wrong. if i really want to lose these last 20-30 pounds, then i'm just going to have to do it the old-fashioned way. no more of this trendy supplement wack-ass diet starvation bullshit.

on another note, if anyone wants a pot full of soup, just let me know. the cats aren't going to eat it, i'm sure.
Music: Blank & Jones - In Da Mix (Dance Classix 2000)

Date: 2002-04-25 15:51
Subject: vegas, and hair color...
one more day! weeeeee! got my hair color done today - black with red streaks. it looks like this:
i'm pretty happy with it. came out much better than the purples and blues that i've tried in the past. although, i did pick up some of that metallic purple styling gel, so if i'm feeling particularly adventurous, maybe i'll work some of that in and see how it comes out. i went to the mall to pick up some shoes and got a few "what the hell??" stares, which is always a source of amusement when i throw on a new hair color. haha!

so now all that stands between me and vegas is finishing this damn terrorism paper. got to write 10-15 pages... currently working on page 2. yeah, go me!!!
Music: DJ Stein H - Connected, Vol. 2
Mood: happy

Time: 19:34
Subject: making progress...
5 pages down... 5-10 more to go. still have to discuss intelligence gathering and expanded surveillance, terrorist lists, and then wrap it up with a critique of us grand strategy. this might actually get done tonight. but for now, there must be a food break.

mmm... egg roll....
Music: Caroline's Spine - Sullivan
Mood: accomplished

Time: 21:41
Subject: whining jews
as i continue to procrastinate and avoid putting my mental energies where they should be going, towards writing my paper, i find myself reading the first few entries in a debate on MSNBC.com between an arab-american and a jewish-american over the current israeli-palestinian issue. this is a short excerpt from the jewish guy's first entry:

note: this update was written in bastard mode.

"I often feel a terrible anger and defensiveness at how Jews are being treated in this situation. As always, I feel the world just barely tolerates Jews. I watch long-simmering anti-Semitism boil over in a rash of protests, synagogue burnings, and symbolic destruction in countries like France, Germany, and Britain. I watch dilettante Western European countries fall all over themselves to decry Israeli tactics as "brutal," and "racist" but at the same time move steadily towards brutally xenophobic, virulently anti-immigrant policies in their own countries."

ok, tell me, what the hell does criticism of israeli military action have to do with anti-immigration policies in western europe? not a damn thing. if rightist candidates like le pen in france want to proclaim that "france is for the french" then let them do so; at least they're not sending in the tanks to obliterate villages where non-french people live. i'm so tired of listening to jews whine about anti-semitism every time something doesn't go their way or they feel slighted. i've always tried to figure out what, exactly, the jews have done throughout history that makes them seem to be so hated around the world, and i've never really come up with a satisfactory answer, but the more of this crap i hear, the more i start to understand.

hey, jews - the holocaust was a horrible thing. but you know what, it's over and done with. get over yourselves. don't assume that just because someone's protesting that they're plotting to resurrect hitler and do it all over again. whenever i hear somebody from the anti-defamation league or whatever get on television and spout rhetoric about anti-semitism, i often get the impression that you think that because some really bad shit happened to you 50 years ago that you're entitled to some kind of special treatment and that nobody's allowed to criticize. protests, you don't like protests... come on, there are protests about everything all around the world. people burn american flags, they shout anti-XXXX (put whatever you like in there) slogans, they wear pointy white hats and beat black people and burn crosses and talk about the white race, blah blah blah blah. it's a fact of life that no matter who you are, there are people who aren't going to like you. whether or not this dislike is rational or based on sound reasoning is more or less irrelevant. it's the way it goes. deal with it. and stop thinking that the world owes you something.

personally, i think the us ought to tell israel to shove it and stop supporting them. the cold war is over, and israel isn't vital to our national interests anymore; it's only vital to the interests of the politicians who accept money from the powerful american jewish lobby. maybe if sharon and co. didn't have big bad uncle sam standing behind them, they'd stop acting as if they had carte blanche to do whatever they like without regard for anyone else, the israeli people would throw ariel out of office and try to resurrect the peace process. either that, or the arab states would get together and attempt to push israel into the ocean, at which point there'd be some nukes lobbed around, and the whole region would turn into a glass parking lot, and then we wouldn't have to listen to all this shit anymore. (ok, i realize that this last part is a rather simplistic and naive viewpoint and rather stupid, but i have to say that i'd love to have yasser arafat and ariel sharon in the same room for an hour so i could beat some sense into them.)

on a semi-related note... discussion of the term "hate crime"... there's a laughable concept. you know, if i kill someone, then of course i hate them. if i didn't hate them, then i wouldn't want to rub them out of existence. if i kill you because you're black and i don't like black people, what's the difference if i kill you because you pissed me off and you just happened to be black? what if i kill you and you happen to be gay, but i didn't know you were gay? you can bet your ass that prosecutors, bowing to pressure from friends and family of the slain gay dude, are going to try to nail me on some hate crime statute.

i'm never going to get this paper done if i don't shut up.
Music: Poe - Angry Johnny
Mood: restless

Date: 2002-04-26 14:22
Subject: more quizzes, yeah!
amanda, you suck. just what i need, more stuff to take up my time when i should be writing the paper that i'm not writing. =P
Quiz name: what kinda pet are you?
Result: I'm a cat
What's that mean? Who knows. I don't even remember who the aforementioned amanda is.

Date: 2002-04-29 02:11
Subject: vegas.
yeah. ok, so i just got home from the airport. and i'm not even really sure where to begin. i left a good chunk of cash behind, which is never really all that enjoyable, although i wouldn't really have minded so much had i actually had a good time on the trip. so here's the basic rundown.

the good: robin williams put on a hell of a show. i was kinda tired going into it because i hadn't gotten too much sleep the night before, but i almost pissed myself laughing a few times. definitely a must-see show if he comes to your town. also good: the cats didn't leave any bombs on the carpet for me to clean up. i guess they were happy at least that there was enough food for them for the weekend so they didn't feel compelled to shit or barf on the carpet. yay kitties!

the bad: delayed flights on both ends. didn't really get enough sleep, and didn't do half the things that we said we were going to do. we had talked about going on rides and going to the indoor skydiving place and to some clubs to get our groove on, but none of that happened. lost money. ben lost money. mike lost money. had to wait at the airport for a good 45 minutes when we got into town because the limo wasn't there to pick us up.

the interesting: ok, this is actually the strangest part of the whole trip, and at first it was really cool, and now i'm not so sure. on friday night after we hit the casinos we went to a strip club. ben and allison didn't seem like they were having a good time and they left early, and mike stayed to hang out with cory and i but was more or less doing his own thing. two girls came over and gave cory and i lap dances and then sat down and started talking to us. by the end of the night (about 6am) we had made plans to go with them (the strippers) out to breakfast. they actually suggested it, we didn't. ok, sure, sounds good. i'm thinking this is kinda weird, since this sort of thing isn't supposed to happen. we go to the sahara, and we don't see them, and we walk around a bit, but finally give up and go back to our hotel, thinking that they blew us off. get back to the hotel and there are 3 messages on my cell phone from one of them - apparently we were all there, but just missed each other. so i chatted with girl A (whose real name i still don't exactly know, but we'll call her nikki since that's apparently one of her stage names) for a bit. everyone went to sleep and they called us later in the afternoon, and we made plans to meet up for dinner (the dancers and cory and i). so it's starting to get a little odd, and then it gets odder. cory and i start thinking that nikki actually likes me, and this is confirmed by her third message on my voicemail, in which she apparently didn't realize that it was recording and was talking to her friend and made comments to that effect. we get together for dinner and it goes really well (much better than i was expecting - they weren't at all what you might expect from your stereotypical stripper in terms of personality), and she and i have some pretty good conversation.

at that point we part ways, as cory and i are going off to see robin williams and they have to get ready for work, but we had planned to either drop by the club and see them or meet up for breakfast tomorrow. ok, fine, all is good. i'm in a sort of shock from all of this - i mean, shit, i've never randomly met a girl that's shown clearly definable interest in me, especially when i wasn't even looking for it in the first place, let alone a girl that was tall and cute and cool and blah blah blah. and it's not like anything was going to happen anyway -- but for a moment i had one hell of a self-esteem boost. got plenty of harassment from the rest of the party crew, but that was to be expected, i suppose.

so here i am, feeling good about myself, something which really doesn't happen too often, and then the bubble bursts. cory and i dropped back by the strip club to see if they were working, but the place was packed and we couldn't find them, so we left. i called nikki on sunday afternoon because i wanted to say goodbye, since she was going back to california and i was coming back to phoenix, but got no answer and didn't get a call back, which i thought was really surprising, given that we had talked about keeping in touch and all that sort of stuff. so now i'm feeling blown off. like i said, i was never expecting anything to happen nor looking for it, but it would've been nice to at least end on a good note and have felt like i'd made a friend, especially given that the rest of the trip hadn't gone all that well. for a moment, i think i understood what chantal feels like when she goes out and gets attention from people even if she's not really looking for it. and it was nice. i guess i wish it would've lasted longer.

it's ironic, really. i'm not a people-person. i don't really like people, i don't really talk to people that much, i don't trust people right away most of the time, and i'm not at all outgoing. so when out of nowhere, this happens and suddenly someone is showing interest in me, i'm not sure how to react. but i was flattered and i thought it was cool. and then it just went nowhere. it's easy to crash and burn when you don't fly that high to begin with, because you don't have that far to fall. but when you're up above the clouds and someone rockets your ass, it's a long fucking way down. what's funny about all of this, too, is that even though nikki and i had talked about staying in touch and all that, i told cory after dinner that i really didn't expect to ever hear from her again, because, well, that's how these things go, i suppose. but yet i'm upset that i got exactly what i expected. it sucks that when what you hope for carries more weight in your heart than what you expect. shit happens, i suppose.

maybe i'm overreacting. maybe she will call. maybe i shouldn't care so much if she does or she doesn't. after all, i still have a paper to write, and i'm going to need all available brain cells to crank that shit out tomorrow. whatever.

i've said it before, i'll say it again.
cats are great. people suck.

i'm going to bed.
Mood: melancholy

Time: 15:27
Subject: more pondering...
i think perhaps i've stumbled across one of my major weaknesses. when, for a brief moment, you get more than you expect, and in a way that you never would have imagined, it becomes that much harder to watch it disappear. at least the logical side of my brain is almost always strong enough to muscle the discontent out of the way. i've always assumed this to be a good thing, but now i'm not so sure. maybe it works in the short-term, but i think in the long-term it just creates a bigger potential hole that can be exploited.
Mood: thoughtful

Time: 18:05
Subject: unreal...
saw this in the news today. i remember back when this guy got arrested, all i could think to myself was "damn, he looks familiar." and now i'm convinced. when i was in high school and worked for an answering service, this dude was my freakin' boss!! granted, i worked for the guy back in the early 90s, much earlier than all of his groping and feeling took place, but i can't help but wonder when his desire for teenage boy-sex led him over to the dark side. i guess maybe it's a good thing that i've never been much for hanging out with office people outside the job. geez.
Mood: shocked

Date: 2002-04-30 02:39
Subject: done!
paper is finished. as i said with the last one i turned in, i think this one's crap. although i have to say that i think this one is worse than the last one, too. oh well, i'm at the point where i don't really give a shit, since the semester is officially over tomorrow and i only have one more of these damn things to write. maybe i'll actually put some effort into the 4th one to ensure that i get an A.

FUCK!!! my laser printer is out of toner!!! i didn't see this coming, as everything else i'd been printing up until now had been fine. i just printed my essay, only to see that half the pages don't even show up. dammit, dammit, dammit. i guess i'll have to drag ass out of bed early tomorrow and go down to fry's and buy some so i can print this P.o.S. ah well, i can't blame the printer, i've owned it for almost 6 years now and this will be the first toner cartridge i've had to buy.
Music: Sasha Riker - Spontaneity 2
Mood: annoyed

Time: 15:03
Subject: vegas, revisited, and updated
it's been a day and a half since my earlier rant about the perils of vegas, and now that i've had some time to de-vegas myself and think a little more clearly, i think i've reached some different conclusions. note that not all of this is necessarily vegas-related.

1. people suck. ok, that's not exactly a different conclusion, but it's one that i've re-reached, so i figured that i might as well include it anyway for added emphasis. the main reason behind my thoughts this time is simply that i'm tired of dealing with people who seem like they always want something from me. whatever happened to people that just want to be in your life because they think you're cool, not because they think that maybe they can get something from you?

2. i'm done with chemicals. i've known for awhile now that my chemical experimentation days (primarily ecstasy) have been coming to an end, because i've been losing interest in getting fucked up and then feeling like shit for an entire week, and i think this weekend's mindfuck wouldn't have happened nor been all that bothersome to me in the first place had i not a: been higher than a rocket on friday night, and b: had to deal with the comedown and post-roll serotonin drop on saturday and sunday. the end conclusion here is that my ranting and depression and blahs and all that were exacerbated by my chemical misadventure, rather than by any sort of serious condition which existed independently of my perception of it.

3. strip clubs really aren't much fun when you're sober. i don't know, maybe it's just me, but wandering around or even sitting and watching all these girls with obviously fake boobs try to milk 20 bucks or more out of a bunch of horny guys who are doing everything they can to get more from the girl for less money just doesn't do it for me. sure, when i'm rolling it feels really good to get a lap dance, but when i'm sober, all i can think of is that the whole situation is rather pathetic and quite disgusting in some ways. sure, some of the girls are extremely attractive. some of them just are NOT. personally, i think prostitution ought to be legalized, and i don't see anything wrong or dehumanizing about that, but to see a bunch of guys with tongues wagging as some girl puts on a show and she tries to gyrate in such a way as to get them to part with a george or two, blech. i saw several examples of guys trying to milk free stuff out of the girls, too -- whether it be free dances, or not tipping them for "services" (time, really) above and beyond the call of duty. i dunno. i think what i'm trying to do here is wrap my brain around the sex-for-sale industry and come up with an opinion - saturday night was the first time i'd ever been to such an establishment while not under the influence of something illegal- i think for now it may just have to remain in the realm of things that i really can't comprehend.

Time: 20:10
Subject: ravyn's boredom strikes again.
I think there are actually two quizzes in this update. - Ed.
Quiz 1: What kind of eyes do you have?
Result: You have Evangelion eyes!
What's it mean? No clue.

Quiz 2: What videogame character are you?
Result: I am Kong
What's it mean? Strong and passionate, I tend to be misunderstood, sometimes even feared. I don't want to fight, I don't want to cause trouble, all I ask is a little love, and a little peace. If I don't get what I want, I get angry, and I throw barrels and flaming oil at whatever's stopping me. Wow. The first part of that is still really true. Not so much the second part; I don't really get angry anymore. Frustrated is about all I have the capacity for these days. -Ed.
Music: Caroline's Spine - You and Me
Mood: bored