Level 44 Unlocked.

Fuck, I think this is probably the longest I've gone without updating this thing; I didn't realize that the most recent entry was back in January, just after New Year's, and here we are at the end of August.  So much has happened in the last 8 months that I'm not even sure where to start.  I think there's the least amount of news on the dating front, so we'll begin with that.

The TLDR is simply that I'm not dating. I gave up on the prospect of dating in San Francisco sometime in February or March, because it just grew tiresome and I never met anyone that I really liked or that liked me enough to go on a second date. The last person that I dated who I was really into was 3M, but she's since moved to New Orleans, and I'm going to be moving to Denver in a couple of months, so even if I hadn't been friend-zoned, distance would have been our undoing.  I'm starting to think that I might like to give it another go once I move, so maybe I will dust off the ol' profile and update it for my new location and see what happens. Is the dating scene for blackbirds better in CO than CA? I hope so.

As mentioned in the previous entry, I went to Tribal Gathering in Panama at the end of February. I've got several pages of hand-written journal entries about that, so I'll just transcribe that stuff here to bring us up to March or so.

Panama/Tribal Gathering Day -1 to Day 0: The trip started off uneventfully enough with the flight to DFW; I didn't realize there were two Hyatts at the airport and originally ended up at the wrong one. No big deal since my backpack was checked through all the way to Panama. Got dinner and went to bed early. Flight to MIA the next morning was delayed about 20-25 minutes due to a cargo issue; this was enough to cause me to miss my connection. It was already going to be fairly tight - only 45 minutes - so with the delay and the distance I had to cover in the Miami airport, I was pretty fucked. I took off running to the gate and got there with 10 minutes to go, which should have been sufficient based on what it said on my boarding pass about doors closing 10 minutes before departure, but the gate was already closed, there was no gate agent, and I came to learn that the plane had left 8 minutes early anyway. Fuckers! Got rebooked on the next flight, which was 90 minutes later, so it wasn't too bad, but originally they tried to move me from business to cattle car, and there was no way that was going to fly unless they refunded me the fare difference. Fortunately, the second gate agent in Miami was able to fix that. On the plane and Panama-bound.

It actually worked out OK that way; instead of getting in 45 minutes before Aand co., I got in 45 minutes after them. We piled into the rental car, drove a few minutes to the hotel, got checked in, and headed for the bar. After dinner (who the hell puts ketchup on a club sandwich?! apparently the Panamanians do...) I crashed out pretty hard. Didn't think I was actually that tired, but I slept unassisted from like 7pm until 6am, at which point I'm now up and showered and eating breakfast. Not sure when the crew will all be down here, but the real adventure should be getting underway fairly soon. So far the heat hasn't been as oppressive as I'd thought it would be, so that's a bonus. I am really curious to see what this festival is like as well as what Panama looks like once you get out of the capital. More to come from Playa Chiquita - after the easy-listening version of a dance track plays in the hotel restaurant.

Quote of the day, from B: "I did so much blow I forgot that I pooped."

Tribal Gathering Day 01 - Sunday: This is really more like a recap of Saturday, since it's barely 1030 in the morning and not much has happened yet. So, yeah, observations from yesterday: first thing is that this venue is quite literally in the middle of nowhere. We didn't even drive through anything that qualified as a major/modern city; lots of highway and random turns that led us through various slums and ghetto-looking places. A bunch of small towns as well, plus the requisite drive through the jungle. Finally got here, and my first thought was that it was like a post-apocalyptic Paul Gaugin painting. At least I think he was the one who painted island life in Tahiti - maybe it was actually Reubens. I dunno. There's really no vibe to speak of in a traditional sense - maybe that's because the psytrance stage doesn't start for several days, or maybe it's because a dude died in an iboga ceremony earlier in the week. I don't know any of the details, but you have to figure that it put some kind of damper on the overall atmosphere. Anyway, backing up further - we all had a good time hanging out at the bar on the previous night, and then on the drive out we picked up one of the guys from Stanton Warriors and he rode in the car with T, J, and me. We talked all kinds of shit on the way out here about politics and festivals and random shady shit we've experienced. Ok, so with that, let's recap the day's events.

To be perfectly honest, I suspect that by the time this thing is over, I will be so over being here. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of good moments thus far, but there are still 8 days left and I can feel the boredom lurking. Anyway, we're literally camped 15 feet from the ocean, which is pretty bad-ass. I get to fall asleep each night to the sound of the waves crashing in - that is, if I fall asleep in the first place. Last night was a real bitch getting to sleep. It started dumping rain at like 3:30 in the morning, and I think that's when I finally started to doze off.

Like I said to A2 - I've lived in California for almost 6 years and I'm going to get more beach in these 9 days than in that entire time.

I remember when I lived in Florida and would go to the ocean - it always makes me kinda sad to just sit there and stare at it. Not because of any experience or anything, but just this sort of deep melancholy at the vastness of it all. I guess it's like staring into the abyss - the abyss stares back into you. Lots of thoughts and memory are always triggered by watching the ocean at night - the sea of possibilities and the sea of loss and all kinds of things like that.¹ It's like staring into space and being reminded of just how small and insignificant your existence really is - but right here on earth - you don't need the starts to point this out for you.

Anyway, that's another memory from last night. Today, once I got up and about, around 7am or so, I mostly spent either wandering around or just talking shit with the group. I met MC Xander and talked to him a little bit, and I bought a necklace from a vendor that had a really unique stone. I have a talent for picking out the most expensive thing on display without even trying - it's got a stone from Namibia called "pietercite" or something like that. I got it for 3M, actually - I think she'll dig it.  Meh, I don't feel like writing more right now. More later.

And so we resume in the AM ... Anyway, didn't really do jack or shit yesterday aside from walking the beach in both directions, talking shit with people, and some swimming. Also moved my tent thanks to some random douchebags that moved it for me. I guess they didn't like where I'd set up, so they picked up the tent and moved it to a garbage pile nearby. No clue who it was, and they didn't take anything, but seriously, what kind of low-class dickheads do something like that? There weren't any new tents in place of where mine had been, so it's not like they were clearing space for their friends or something. Fortunately there was some space near J that opened up, so now I'm camped near him. Dunno if the rest of the crew will consolidate near here or not. I have to admit that the tent incident really soured my first impressions of TG - in all the other festivals and events I've been to, I'd never had my stuff fucked with, and I would have thought that this one would be the least likely to have any of those shenanigans. Although J said that last year someone snapped his tent poles, and that's pretty fucked up, too. Whatever. At this point I'm over it but also don't plan on ever coming back here - or if I do come back, I'd come for a much shorter duration. In any case, I don't plan on letting it ruin my fun, either. We'll see if any of the days here can match Ozora or Psy-Fi, or if I spend any time introspecting or thinking about the year to come. Time to make the donuts. Blackbird out.

Tribal Gathering, Day 02: B commented this morning that I seemed to be having a more difficult time adjusting to being here than the rest of the group; that's definitely the case - I guess it's obvious that I'm not having the best time relative to how they've seen me at Ozora - and that's true. I'm having a harder time doing nothing than usual - maybe it's because I expected a different kind of nothing than what you get at an Ozora or a Psy-Fi - I think I expected to be doing more workshops or ceremony-type stuff - but since a lot of that shit was cancelled due to the dead guy, it's pretty quiet. When the psytrance stage starts up on Thursday it might be a totally different kind of vibe and more like what I'm hoping for, but that's still three days away, and there's no music at all on Wednesday. I've been doing a lot of random walking around to pass the time. Went all the way to the "top" of the festival area, fell in the ocean a couple times, and now I'm back at camp contemplating a walk down to the other end, past the lagoon where we went swimming yesterday. Coming up on 1pm - maybe I'll think about finding some lunch after a trip to el bano. For now, blackbird out.

The rest of the day was pretty good; nothing special took place, but maybe I'm finding it a little easier to relax? Talked to this girl named K, who's one of the artists playing on the psy stage - she knows J and A and is originally from OC - just shows how small the psytrance world actually is, even if the larger world isn't always so small. Anyway, it's her first time here, too, and we were talking about how it's hard to do nothing here - that it's a different kind of nothing than your Ozoras or your Psy-Fis - here, there really isn't shit to do, so you're kinda forced into a certain level of idleness. You sleep, eat, swim, and chill with your friends. And maybe you dance, if the music is decent - which most of the time, it really hasn't been. Lots of house and such in the evenings, which isn't really why we're here. Oh, here's the B quote of the day: "When 12 guys show up to bring gifts for the baby, that bitch ain't no virgin." Or, we could use this other one: "If you've never shit yourself, you've never partied that hard." Anyhow, one thing that's different from this festival - it would be much harder to do this festival as a totally-solo traveler vs. Ozora/PsyFi/etc. If the Denver cats weren't here, this would be a pretty miserable experience for an introverted blackbird like yours truly.

It's pretty funny that there was also a point where I'd considered trying to get 3M to come to something like this. I don't think that would've worked so well², although it would have been cool to make out with her in the ocean. Yeah, so sue me, I still like her just as much as I always have.³ Hopefully I'll get a better night's sleep than I have in these past two nights - trying the 1/2 bar approach and hoping for something good to happen. The yawns are starting, so maybe that means I'll be out soon. Blackbird out.

Tribal Gathering Day 03(?): Funny that I'm calling this day 3 but it feels like I've been here longer than that. It's Tuesday night, and tomorrow is the "transition day" when all of the indigenous tribal stuff gives way to the psytrance stage coming online Thursday. We've been here since Saturday, though, so I think this is actually day 04. Anyway, it's gradually getting easier to be here and do nothing - or next to nothing - although I've spent a lot more time on the shitter today than I'd have hoped. If there's any positive element to that, it's that the shits haven't been full-on water squirts - there's been mass to each one. That's kinda surprising in a way, given that I've not really eaten all that much since I've been here. For example, yesterday I had a muffin and two pizzas, and today I had a sandwich, a piece of spanish omelet, and a burger. The burger place had oreos, though, so I grabbed two of those as emergency supplies. Oh, yeah, I split a cinnamon roll with K. Went swimming in the fresh water river today as well - skipped the ocean for a day - it was decidedly colder than the Caribbean. Also managed to pick up a bit of sunburn on my face, knees, tops of my feet, and a couple of spots on my arms. I guess I didn't do the best job of applying sunscreen?

Also did one of the art workshops - sacred painting - taught by a woman from a Peruvian tribe whose name I didn't catch. I don't think I heard all the instructions; I guess we were supposed to use some specific tool to go over the outlines before starting to paint to keep the colors from bleeding together. Whatever. Mine looks like it was painted by an amateur, but it was fun to make and it still looks pretty cool as a finished product. One last interesting thing - I've been here four days and aside from 1 xanax and a few shots of rum, I've not taking any drugs, even though I bought 1/2 a gram of MDMA and 2 hits of acid (which looks like fake-ass cardboard, but who knows, right?). I guess that's it for day 3/4 - I suppose it's worth a mention that when the Peruvian woman started singing before we actually did the painting, I got some goosebumps. That was kinda neat. At this point, I'd just like my ass and stomach to take a little break. I'm in my tent with my 1/2 zbar and when I nod off, I'd like to sleep until morning without any midnight shit run. We can do that, right? Blackbird out.

Tribal Gathering / Panama Day 04/05: So, it's Wednesday, which is the transition day for the festival. For me, it's turning into the recovery and recharge day. My hope last night when I went to bed was that I'd not have to make a midnight shit run. Technically, I guess I didn't - I made like 4 or 5 shit runs between midnight and 9am. Definitely a miserable night. It's funny that B said if you've never shit yourself, you've not partied hard enough. F that. I went through a couple pairs of shorts racing to the crapper. Good thing there's an ocean here to wash all the evidence away, so to speak. I haven't even taken any drugs yet! Anyhow, A2 said that I should probably stop drinking the tap water and switch to bottles, so I did that - put down a bottle with electrolytes, a regular bottle, and ate a good old-fashioned American granola bar. After being effectively passed out in my tent for the last couple hours, I've started sweating again - didn't realize that I'd reached that level of dehydration - but I think I'm starting to feel like some semblance of a regular human (angry blackbird?) again, so after I finish this entry I'll likely venture out and see what people are up to (and get more water and take a shit).

I'm supposed to go right back to work the day I get back. Right now I put the odds of that somewhere between 0 and 0.5% - even if my Admiral Poopdeck days are behind me, I suspect I'm going to be pretty damn exhausted by the end of this trip. Wouldn't it be a hoot if I do the whole festival sober? I think there's a nonzero chance of that taking place right now. OK, water and poo. Blackbird out.

Well, I definitely caught up on sleep today; after my stomach finally settled and I grabbed a burger, I wandered for a bit and fell asleep in one of the hammocks near the lotus stage. I'm pretty sure that I'd been out cold for at least a little while, because I woke up and I'm pretty sure I was snoring - or I had been at some point. Didn't do a whole lot for the rest of the day - pretty much every time I sat or lay down I'd start nodding off, so I decided to zbar it and just turn in early around 8pm or so. I'm trying to give myself as much recovery time as possible so that I can hit it hard when the psytrance stage lights up tomorrow. Only bummer thing is that the psy stage doesn't get going until 8pm, and we all know how I feel about tripping at night. So it's hard to say what's going to happen on the chemical front. So, maybe while I'm waiting for the zbar to kick in, I should give some thought to the whole Uber/Pinterest thing.

The main reasons to go to Uber are economic diversity, a change of environment, and the 40K signing bonus. Reasons to stay at Pinterest? Well, I would have said familiarity, which is true to an extent, but given that my entire management chain is being replaced and my team is just EP and me, with AK coming in at the end of the month, the familiarity aspect isn't quite as strong as before. My commute is easier going to Pinterest, and since I've been there awhile I can get away with a lot of shit that might be harder to pull off at Uber. Basically, I can just do my job and people will leave me alone. Both companies are likely to IPO this year, and the Uber offer values the shares at 42 bucks with a $62B valuation. If they managed to get that $120B that is being tossed around, then that basically doubles the first year comp to something in the $750K range. I think the other reasons I'm reluctant to go to Uber are that I don't like the office building and I'd be going in with a fixed timeframe in mind. Just like I went to Pinterest with the goal of staying for four years, I'd be going to Uber with the specific goal of staying exactly one year - long enough to get my first year's equity vesting and potentially my first year's annual bonus. The difference with Pinterest is that as soon as the IPO happens, if I really wanted to, I could either quit and live off savings until the lockup period expires, or I could play the rest and vest game. Of course, there's no guarantee that the PinPO will produce enough revenue for me to cash out and be done with this shit.

I'm really hoping to be able to sell for at least $10/share, and I'm also hoping to be able to clear at $2M or better after paying C and all the taxes. If we assume 380K shares pre-tax, C gets 38K shares post-tax,and that would leave me with 152K shares. I'd need to be able to sell for closer to $13/share to achieve my $2M target, which means Pinterest would have to be valued at somewhere around $20B. That could be possible in a year? Of course, with the Uber stock, she's not entitled to any of it, and I think it was something like 6000 shares for the first year. That still only works out to $120k-$150k on a post-tax basis, so it's not the most amazing number. I guess the question is whether or not I think I can deal with a year at Uber in exchange for a 40K signing bonus and the possibility of a good bounce in the share price. I might have to talk to CL when I get back and just tell him that I'm considering jumping ship but might stick around in exchange for some sort of valuable consideration, like a better raise or a bonus of some kind⁴ that suggests my services are valued. I don't really like to play those games, but in the end, gotta look out for blackbird #1. If they'd put an extra 12k in my salary post-raise (getting me up into the 240s) I'd probably stay. An extra 2K/month pretax would not be too shabby at all. We shall see how it goes.

I don't usually write much when on acid because whatever it is won't make sense after the trip is over. But this time I think it's different. The universe has told me that I need to tell 3M how I really feel - like flat out that I'm in love with her, and that I know she doesn't feel the same and I can't understand why - it's just the way it seems to be. And as much as I want her to be a part of my life, as friends I just can't do it. And if that means that we say goodbye, then as hard as that may be (at least for me), I think it's what I have to do. I either need to put down some kind of real nest in the bay area and set the intention to do just that, or I need to cut ties with it and prepare to leave. Not really sure what else there is to write here except to try to write out exactly what I'd say to her:

There's really no other way to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm falling in love with you. I know you don't feel the same way, or at least you've said as much, but there's a kind of connection here that isn't often felt between two people. At least not in my universe. So I've thought that I was OK with us being friends - but I'm not. Not when I really think about it. And I don't know what that means. Maybe it means that this is a gift of goodbye and that I hope you'll remember seagulls and hotdogs and blackbirds and not that horrible fiasco that was beach blanket. Or maybe this is a gift of new beginnings and the possibilities which you've always told me were just wishful thinking but always felt like so much more. EIther way, it's your choice, and whatever you choose, you'll always have a place in my heart.

What an interesting trip this is turning out to be - in more ways than one, I suppose. Sort of interesting that I feel like I need to take a break from something I don't eve really do all that often in the first place. Not too sure what to make of that. Maybe it goes back to the feeling of being unsettled and needing to either put down some roots or GTFO - and I think I might actually be happy with either choice - I just have to pick one and not half-ass it. Remember, no half-assery. Full ass or no ass at all!

We are the survivors of the crabpocalypse!

The synchronicities are back in full effect ever since I decided that I was going to talk to 3M when I get back. She would say that means I'm on the right path, even though I don't actually know where the hell it's going. :-P

Oh, right, this is Tribal Gathering / Panama day 05? 06? More random B quotes - "You can't roofie me, bitch!" Anyhow, it's Friday afternoon, and since I already violated ravyn's first two rules of raving, I figured that I might as well go for the trifecta and turn on my phone in the service area and send a few texts to C. I didn't say anything about the festival to give away anything about how I've felt about this week, except to say that we'd have lots to talk about when I get back. Unless her mom's already in town, in which case maybe not for awhile. In any case, this has been one really weird festival so far - I never thought I'd be dancing alone on the beach at 2am to a Glitch Mob(?) track playing in my headphones. The lone raver, raving alone - but I was totally OK with all of it. I've not been said about all the time I've spent alone - and I've not been by myself the whole time - but I'd say I've definitely spent more time alone than at any other festival that A & crew have been at. I will say that I'm done with this place - we don't leave until Tuesday and that's still 3 full days away. I've made it this far, so I'm sure I can do three more days, and maybe tomorrow will be different after I've slept and if I trip during the day. That said, I probably won't trip tomorrow - the dance floor of the main stage sounds fantastic but it's way too fucking small and there's zero fucking shade. Blackbirds aren't meant to be red birds. Or brown birds. Caw!

Just saw a dude walk past with like 3 or 4 packs of oreos. Breakfast of motherfucking champions!

Panama/Tribal Gathering Day 07? 08? It's Saturday night, so I guess this is day 7 if you count from 0 and 8 otherwise. Been in country for 9 days total, regardless. First thing is the quote of the day, which is actually from yesterday. Dunno if this is exactly how she said it, but D (another Colorado person) is apparently a doctor, and she said that people ask her for scripts and her response is "get your drugs the way I do - on the street." Moving on... I donated a pair of sunglasses to Panama - which really kinda sucks given that I'd only had them for maybe a month, if that. I bought a $6.00 el cheapo pair to get me through the festival, though, so we're good on that front. The music today was pretty solid overall, and even though I didn't take any acid, I still did a good bit of blackbird stomping once the sun kinda went down. Tomorrow would be the last day where I'd consider taking any, but with this brutal sunshine, I'm not sure that it's the best idea.  I think I've put down close to 2 gallons of liquid today and I've only peed once - even Ozora hasn't been that brutal.

Even though this festival is really small, and it doesn't have the Ozora/PsyFi vibe, it's starting to grow on me a little bit. But it's still been a really weird experience overall with the sobriety and relative lack of dancing. I've met some cool people from Seattle, Canada, and Europe - the UK and Spain - so that's been cool. Also, people have been more conscious about exchanging contact information, as opposed to PsyFi/Ozora where I tried to do it all (if at all) on the last day and ended up not really getting much. As for the day's other experiences - walked a lot - again. Swam in the river and the ocean in a couple of different spots. Thougth about my acid trip from Thursday night and the conclusions I came to with respect to 3M, and I questioned those conclusions because they were derived from a violation of ravyn's rules of raving, but I don't think that matters. The universe told me what I needed to do, and I need to listen.  Even B said it - just commit to something - and if you think you'll be happy with either choice, so much the better. I really hope that I'm wrong about how it will go - but if it goes that way, I need to make sure that she understands that it's not permanent. I'm not suddenly going to stop feeling anything for her; I just need to go away for awhile. But who knows? Maybe she'll realize that she actually does like me more than she's willing to admit. That would be a great outcome. Come on universe, help me out here.

I've also been trying to figure out if she would like a festival like this. I don't think I could get her to Ozora or Psy-Fi, but maybe she'd come to this with me next year - even though I said I probably wouldn't come back, I'm actually not so sure. I don't think I'd stay so long - actually, I know I wouldn't - but a shorter duration? Maybe. I think C would like it, too - the the $15/gram coke didn't kill her. =(  I'll tell her about that and then be like "don't go!" =)  Anyhow, I do wish 3M were here to sit on the beach with me - she might have a hard time getting used to all the shit we talk, though. Maybe not - she did say the Vietnamese restaurant th ing in response to the cat sandwich and we've talked some shit about Hitler and ovens and other fucked up shit. I'd love to see her go toe to toe with B and A and hold her own or better. I'm sure she could - just don't know if she'd enjoy it. Anyway, it's past my bedtime. Time to catch some Zs.

Panama/Tribal Gathering Day N+1 (8? 9!): Another day filled with the unexpected. Spent a good bit of time talking to K, one of the Seattle crew. She and I seemed to hit it off pretty well - she's got a really good energy about her - almost enough to make me lose focus on 3M - but note that I said almost. I think she's super cool and definitely cute, and she's got at least three of the four must-haves (psytrance [sort of - more like festivals], sushi, and skiing/snowboarding) - but I think she's also too much of an adrenaline junkie - I'm not really one to go skydiving or base jumping - and there are a lot of places in the world that I'm not as interested in seeing - but more to the point - she's in Seattle and that's not on my radar. I was, however, comfortable enough with her to try something new that I'd never actually thought I'd do - I tried DMT from her vape pen. It wasn't the full-on holy shit experience that I'd expected, and she told me ahead of time that it wouldn't be - but it was a nice introduction to the substance. The trip itself was over within 10 minutes - which is crazy when you think about how I'd always thought it would be nice to have the LSD experience in a much shorter time. Switch on. Switch off. So I guess there are two remarkable events here - one, the fact that I tried it. Two, the fact that I was comfortable enough around someone - a new person who I've only known for a few days - to do that. I'm not sure I'd have done the same if B or J had offered it to me.

So I have to say that meeting K was the highlight of my festival experience. I don't think anything will happen with her even if nothing happens with 3M, but you never know. I would be reluctant to date her even in the absence of 3M and the adrenaline mismatch because she's a smoker - but maybe I've met a cool new friend. I don't want to start second-guessing anything because that just puts me back into limbo and a state of half-assery. The universe was pretty clear with me on Thursday night with what I need to do. I'm all in or all-out on 3M - and I also need to talk to R and be like OK, dude, where's your focus at? If we can't get back to a regular training schedule, then I need to start working with some[ody else. One last thing about K - she told me to wear the necklace I got for 3M until I give it to her so that it can be filled with festival energy. I thought that was a neat idea. So I'm wearing it for the next two days with the intention of filling it with all the joy and happiness and love that it will hold, such that it can bring these things into 3M's life one way or another. One more full day of festivaling - at this time tomorrow I'll be packed up except for the tent and sleeping pad and getting ready to return to civilization.  Even though I've been writing in this journal all week, I feel like it might take me awhile to process everything. Blackbird out.

Panama/Tribal Gathering Day 10: We made it! This is my last entry from the sandy beaches. Next time I write in this will be from the air conditioned comfort of the Riande. Anyway - today was a lot like the first day - once the music shut off, there really wasn't dick-all to do, so I did some swimming and hung out with folks. Got to see K one last time when I helped them all carry shit to the car, and she said that the person I'm giving this necklace to must be a very special friend. The only thing I could say in response to that was "it's complicated." Which it sort of is, but it isn't. Whatever happens, happens. I can't control what 3M will say or do, and I'm at peace with either outcome. K is down for Scandinavian ice hotels and the northern lights, so maybe I've got an adventure buddy. Anyhow, my stomach is starting to revolt again - my poo is in good shape but I feel a little queasy. I've noticed that happening a few times after means - not sure if it's remnants of my earlier shitastrophe or if my body is just unhappy with certain foods. In any case, I'm going to be really curious to see how much weight I've lost while being here. I'm also really looking forward to some sushi. I don't think I'll eat pizza for awhile, though. OK, that's all. Going to chow some oreos and crash out. Wake and pack and GTFO! =)

What follows is a dream record from while I was still in Panama...

Awake from a dream of revolution and decentralized government that started out with being at a festival and getting fed up with some kind of bullshit that I don't remember and being sick of being told where to sort my trash and dealing with hippies and hippie shit and finally table-flipping and throwing my shit in the "wrong" bin and kicking over some piles of plastic bottles. Not sure how that led to the elimination of the US government and me eventually as the leader of some new fledgling world civilization (just the US, I think?) where I was trying to get the new society formed and I made a unilateral decision to buy the highspeed trains that were running in Uganda. Then a dude who looked like Skrillex started giving me grief about why people should listen to me (like the astrology lecture) and what the new constitution should start with - I argued that a declaration of right should be first and he wanted something about the power of government belonging to the people. It looked as if the new society would splinter into civil war before it even began - my argument was that a document was not necessary yet and we had work to do; he wanted this document preamble, to which I said that's what we had before and look where it got us. Another guy suggested distributed blockchain government which formed the basis of a compromise, but from the beginning (this guy's name was Dan) we knew it would have an economic privilege / stratification issue because the poor who had no technology would be disenfranchised. We also said that we couldn't call it "GovCoin" because Coinbase had already trademarked that name - but we did anyway since they couldn't do shit about it. The experiment in new government failed, though. The technology was hacked and there were complaints of voter / citizen fraud which led to a second (third?) revolution where I was fighting against enemies with Ghost in the Shell-style cloaking and shielding. At this point, and for the second time in the dream, I said fuck this and walked away - if you motherfuckers think you can do better, go for it - but you shouldn't have asked me to lead in the first place if you weren't going to listen, even if my decisions weren't popular. OK, going back to sleep. This pen is fried.

Thoughts from the airport...

And we pick up again with a newer, lamer writing instrument. But it's better than nothing, and at least I didn't have to shell out $$$ to buy a Mont Blanc - which I don't even really like anyway. Thoughts for today are about freedom, equality, and borders. An interesting comment in one of the shitters at TG was that freedom and equality are inversely proportional. I'd never really thought about it like that, but it's accurate. To even everybody out means taking away from some - and that's not even in the equality of outcome sense that SJWs are all about - even to give everybody equal opportunity involves some redistribution of resources - and I suppose that's inherently obvious, but at what point is too much too much? Do the left-wing nutjobs realize the inherent tension between freedom and equality, or do they really think they can have their kale and eat it, too?  And then we have the people who say that there should be no borders. OK, but let's be real - some places are nicer than others, and some places are inherently shitholes even without any people - so adding people just makes them shitholier. If we assumed a world with no borders, where would everybody go? How would societies function? The girl I heard at TG decrying "corporate companies" has just as narrow a worldview as the blind capitalist who views all things as fungible.

Some thoughts on TG2019 - maybe I got more out of it than I originally realized - in the sense of trying to be a better blackbird - even though nothing at TG really dealt with self-improvement and cleansing (at least nothing that I directly took part in besides swabbing the poopdeck), I do find that I'm returning with a renewed energy to work on the things that need to be worked on, like going to the gym and being healthier and getting out of the half-assery rut that I fell into. It's funny that I made up my mind to talk to R about the sporadic nature of training, and he actually texted me today instead. I might still say something to him next week just to keep the momentum up and let him know that my priority is my training and that if his focus is elsewhere then it's not going to work. But I don't think I need to be as forceful as I'd planned to be - if we actually get multiple weeks on the calendar at a time and stop fucking about.

I wonder if things will go as smoothly with 3M. It's just like A said - set your intention for things to happen and they do. Sort of makes me curious about K, but that's an entirely different rabbit hole that's not open. Let there be no mistake here - 3M is my first choice. But if that choice does not choose me, I'm in a good spot. Blackbirds always like to have options, even if we suck at choosing them sometimes. And yes, I'm having a diet coke or two to close out my holiday, which is, I suppose, counter to the whole health thing, but I am eating the salad in preparation for a return to keto. This bird will be under 210 by his birthday.⁵ So mote it be, and all that hubba hubba.

Coming up on the last flight segment of this adventure. Boarding is in a bit over two hours and then it's a long sit back to SFO. I figure that I'll get in the door around 2am. Probably not going to the gym tomorrow. I should go find a pair of socks. No profound thoughts at the moment, except that I'm kinda cold in this lounge.

So, yeah, those were my journal entries from TG. This post is already stupid-long, so I'm going to end it here and start a new one that covers events between my return from Panama and Ozora. Still need to cover what happened with 3M and whether or not I left the Pin Factory to go work for Uber, plus other assorted happenings.

1. I was thinking about this more recently, and really what it is about the ocean at night which hits me is that it's the infinite sea of possibilities that will never be. I know that's kind of all emo and pessimistic, but that's just how I feel - it's not even a bad feeling - it's just... a wistful sort of longing and realization.
2. 3M would have a much better time at Ozora.
3. Remember, this was originally written in late February. My feelings today aren't the same; it will make more sense by the end of this entry.
4. Funny thing - this actually happened - and I didn't have to say anything to anyone. The Pin Factory gave me a rather nice bonus that was entirely unexpected, so I guess someone was paying attention after all.
5. Not even close. As of today (my birthday was two days ago) I'm just on the far side of 240. Need to try harder.