Instacart Chicanery

Let me start off by saying that I like Instacart. The ability to open up an app or a web browser, pick out whatever groceries I need to cook some decent food for a few days rather than ordering takeout, and then have it show up on my doorstep within a couple of hours is fucking fantastic. Yes, it encourages me to be a lazy shit and not go to the grocery store, but it also encourages me to not be a lazy shit and actually cook my own meals. Overall, I consider that a net win.

So why did I have to preface this entry with the statement that I like Instacart? Because I'm about to rip them a new asshole.

For all the good things that I would like to say about Instacart, the one thing that is beyond fucked up is the way they deal with non-product-related charges - i.e., the delivery fee, the "service" fee, and tips. It was not always like this. When I first started using Instacart, the pricing was very straightforward. You paid the cost of your items, a delivery fee that typically ranged from $6 to $9, and then the app gave you the option to tip your driver, which I would do, typically on the order of 10-15 percent. This model makes sense; it's really no different than ordering a pie from Papa John's or getting some Chinese via one of the various restaurant delivery apps that charges a delivery fee. You pay a few bucks to the delivery service, you tip your driver^[1], you pay for your food, life goes on.

Somewhere along the way (I believe it was in 2017 but I'm not completely sure) Instacart changed their pricing model. Under the new structure, when you place an order, you still pay for the cost of the items and a delivery fee, but in place of the optional "tip" line item, they replaced it with something called "service", which defaults to 10% of your order total. At first glance, this might not seem like a major change; many restaurants in Europe have a similar "service" line item that they use to represent the tip paid to your waitstaff. So it would be logical to assume that this is what Instacart was doing - except that if you were to assume that, like I did for awhile, you would be wrong.

I remember when they first rolled this out; it was actually a bit confusing, because not only did they have the "service" charge where the tip had previously been, they also had a separate place where you could add a tip for your driver. When I saw this for the first time, my assumption was that they had just changed the name of the line item, and the new "tip" section was there in case you wanted to add an extra tip because your driver did something above and beyond or whatever. You know how some restaurants say that they add a gratuity of X percent (typically I've seen 15-18 percent) for parties of N or more?^[2] That's what I thought Instacart was doing here - adding a base gratuity so that their drivers wouldn't get stiffed on that $300 Whole Foods order that they had to carry up four flights of stairs in a building with no elevator.^[3] I didn't think too much of it past that; I paid my "service" charge, skipped the "tip" portion, and went on about my business.

Fast forward a few months, a few Instacart orders, and a couple of articles about the new pricing model. Turns out that a) I was completely wrong, and b) the new pricing model is rapaciously deceitful to the point where I don't think anyone (except maybe Instacart itself) actually benefits from it. I also really have to wonder how many people are still operating under faulty assumptions about who is getting paid and how. So let me break it down for you.

First, the service fee is not mandatory. Yes, that's right, it's an optional fee, and the way it's described is absolutely priceless. "Instacart uses the service fee to operate our service and provide you with the best service possible. The service fee is not a tip and does not go directly to the shopper delivering your order.... The service fee defaults to 10% of your order total. You are able to remove the service fee before you finish placing your order."^[4]

Hold on. If the service fee is used to operate Instacart, what the fuck is the delivery fee for, you slimy bastards? A delivery fee makes total sense, but a service fee which looks a lot like the old default tip amount but which isn't actually a tip at all and can be removed if you're paying attention?? That looks a fuck of a lot like you guys are trying to pull a fast one on your customers and screw your shoppers at the same time. You're trying to get me to pay extra (but you'll take it off if I catch you) for something, and yet none of those extra dollars actually go directly to the woman who just carried 20lbs of ice and 24 cans of soda up to the third floor? What the fuck?!

Ah, but it gets better. On the very same page, Instacart also distinguishes between the service fee and a tip: "Tipping is optional. Shoppers appreciate tips as a way of recognizing excellent service and 100% of your tip does(sic) directly to the shopper delivering your order."

Wait a minute. Of course tipping is optional, you fucksticks. Tipping is ALWAYS OPTIONAL! Even in the various situations where not leaving a tip would be considered an uncouth violation of established norms, the fact remains that it is still OPTIONAL. If you don't leave a tip when you're dining out, nobody is going to call the cops and claim that you didn't pay. Your server might be upset and think you're a dillweed, and unless they did something egregiously foul to you or your food, they'd probably be right, but nevertheless you are still 100% within your rights as a patron to not leave a tip.

I'm totally OK with paying my delivery fee, and I'm happy to tip the person that is saving me from having to mingle with the unwashed masses at the grocery store, but it really looks to me like this "service fee" is a fucking tip for Instacart the company. Do you clowns really think I'm going to tip your fucking IT department or your marketing people? If you're going to have variable pricing based on the size of an order, then what the fuck is the delivery fee for? Why the fuck should I pay any extra to have my groceries delivered when this money isn't even going to the person that's delivering my groceries?

I really wonder how many people just blindly pay this "service fee" bullshit without realizing that it's just a blatant money grab. I wonder how many shoppers saw their incomes go down as a result of this change, because Instacart users thought that the service fee was being paid to the delivery people and they didn't bother tipping. I also wonder what would happen if everyone just decided to stop paying the service fee entirely and instead just used that same money to directly tip their delivery people.

Would Instacart run into financial problems in the absence of people paying this service fee? If so, they they are doing something very, very wrong. Basing the future of your company on the stupidity or laziness of your customers is not a solid business plan. Or are they just doing it to pad their pockets and make their financials look better? I have no idea. What I do know is that as long as the current pricing model remains in place, I am never going to pay another Instacart "service fee" ever again. My "service fee" dollars are going directly to the people that actually bring my groceries.

And to the people at Instacart, who I'm sure will never see this: you fuckers are already charging me for delivery. Use that money to run your business, give the drivers their damn tips, and stop with this shady shit. If you need to raise prices, be above-board about it. There are plenty of companies (cough airlines cough, cough cable TV providers cough) that operate with the kind of ethics that would make a used-car salesman look like Pope Francis. Be better.