Empress of the Multiverse

I could talk about the election, the continued saga of coronavirus, or any of a number of mundane things here, given that 2020 has continued to be a year full of surprises unlike any in recent (or not-so-recent) memory, and as is usually the case, it's been three months since my last entry. I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm going to talk about someone I met recently who has completely turned this blackbird's world upside down in ways that either I've never experienced before or simply forgot were possible. I don't know which it is, and I suppose it's not important anyway.

The TLDR of it is that I'm so absurdly in love right now that it scares the shit out of me. It's not that I'm afraid of heartbreak; strangely enough, that's the one thing that I'm NOT afraid of. Not because I don't think it could happen, because we all know it's possible for things to go wrong, but because I refuse to allow that kind of fear to guide my actions. I am, however, terrified of fucking it all up, either by repeating mistakes I've made in past relationships or finding new and improved ways to screw the pooch. I think about the relationships I've had in the past and how I felt when they were at their best, and either the passage of time has dulled my memories (entirely possible) or this is completely new territory, which you wouldn't think is possible for someone who's my age and who's had more than one long-term very serious relationship. Or at least I wouldn't think it is.

Anyhow... The Empress of the Multiverse (yes, that's what I call her) is quite literally the most beautiful woman I've ever met, and I'd be lying if I didn't wonder sometimes how it is that she likes ME. I mean, I'm no scrub or anything, but in my eyes, she's next-level gorgeous. Of course, it takes more than a shiny object to hold the attention of this blackbird; if her head were full of air I'd be so uninterested that this post wouldn't even be written. She's smart (she speaks four languages and has beaten me at chess multiple times - in fact, out of the first 5 games we played, the best I was able to do was get a draw, and that's only because she fucked up, otherwise it would have been a complete shutout), interesting to talk to (we've had some great conversations about metaphysical topics, mundane topics, and everything in between), we have quite a bit in common (neither one of us can have kids, which means that whole can of worms is squashed before the first nightcrawler even inches its way out), and SHE LIKES PSYTRANCE! HOLY SHITBALLS! Let me say that again...

HOLY SHITBALLS! SHE LIKES PSYTRANCE!!

She also likes sushi and cats, which are three out of the four things that are on my must-have list, although at this point if she said that she had no interest in ever learning how to ski or snowboard, I'd adjust my must-have list down to three.

All of this aside, all of which is great, where I'm really flabbergasted is just in how she makes me feel. Her smile lights up my day. One look from her can completely melt the iceball that my heart has been at times. We tripped on acid a few weeks ago and there was one point where I felt closer to her and more connected to her than I've ever felt with ANYONE under any conditions. It almost felt like we were the same person for a brief instant. It's like taking the experience I had at my M&J's house several months back where I dissolved into the fabric of spacetime and eventually everything went white with infinite possibility - but on a much more intimate and personal level.

During one of our first conversations, she'd told me about an experience she had on 5-MeO-DMT (it's the active compound in toad venom, and TBH, I'd never heard of it until talking to her - I'd only heard of "regular" DMT) where she saw her whole future laid out before her, including the person that she was supposed to meet - the masculine side to her feminine side - and it really does seem like maybe that's me. Yeah, I know, there's a difference between wanting something to be true and something actually being true, but I have to say that we legitimately look like we fit together. We were in Whole Foods a few weeks back and one of the bakery workers said that we looked like superheroes. She's small and has bright orange hair down to her ass; if we're talking about superheroes, I would say maybe Jean Grey or Hope Summers from the X-Men Universe. Me, I'm not that small and have short dark blue hair - not sure which superhero that would make me - I can't be Iceman, because apparently he's gay. Anyhow, I digress - my point is that this was one of the coolest compliments that some random person who doesn't know us could have thrown our way.

Back to the mixture of thoughts and emotions and such that are swirling about in my mind.... One of the topics that we've talked about a bit is the nature of male and female and masculine/feminine roles in relationships, and TBH this isn't something I've ever given a lot of thought to. I grew up in a single-parent household where there were no good male role models for me to learn from (my grandfather was the only one around, and we didn't really get along that well until I was towards the end of high school and my mom had started dating again/remarried) and so I suppose you could say that I've had to figure out "what it means to be a man" largely on my own, which is to say that I don't know if I ever really figured it out - I just grew up and tried to stumble through life as best I could, sometimes with more success than others.

EotM is the most feminine woman I've ever dated; not that my previous relationships were with tomboyish types, but there's a marked difference between her and everyone else. I don't know where I'm going with this; I think I'm just wondering if perhaps some of what I'm feeling really is new to me and it's a manifestation of the cosmic masculine, so to speak, which was just never present in previous relationships because it wasn't triggered by the other person. I look at EotM and see a smart, strong, confident and beautiful woman who doesn't need anyone to take care of her. But I also see someone who wants to feel safe and secure and loved and protected, and for the person (or the blackbird?) who is able to give her those things (I'm not speaking of material things here, although I live pretty well and would certainly share all of those things with her), in return she'll ignite the fires of inspiration and hope.

I was joking around with her about writing a kids' book called "The Empress of the Multiverse and the Blackbird King" and at the end of the book, the empress would climb on top of the blackbird after fixing his broken wing and they'd fly off together and live such an amazing life that all of their doubters and haters and nay-sayers would claw their own eyes out from envy. (The original ending was that the blackbird king would peck out the eyes of anyone who dared fuck with her, but I like this one better.)

So what's the downside, you might be wondering? I mean, so far everything sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? The downside is distance. I live in Colorado. She lives in Massachusetts. We've met in person twice, once here and once there. Her family is all in MA, and I really don't like the east coast, plus I finally feel settled here in CO and don't want to leave. She said that she moved away from her family once before, for a relationship in Florida that didn't end well (fuck Florida, I know all about that) and she's afraid of doing it again. At the same time, she's also talked about wanting to be in a new place with new energy. I don't know how this will shake out.

Obviously my ideal outcome would be for her to move here, but I wouldn't want her to come here and be bored or unhappy because her family isn't nearby or her job doesn't translate well to a warmer-weather climate. I don't want to deal with New England winters - all that ice and snow and cold and shitty skiing. Maybe, if we get that far, the solution is that we become snowbirds: spend half the year in CO and half the year in MA. Or maybe we live a bicoastal lifestyle and alternate locations more frequently than that. Or maybe we live here for a few years and then move there. At this point it's too early to say - we've literally only known each other for like 6 weeks, even though it feels like much longer, and that's not the point anyway. The point is that I'm even entertaining the possibility of moving to the east coast someday at all - this was a non-starter when C and I were together - but with EotM, if things work out and someday she becomes Mrs. Blackbird (or I become Mr. Multiverse?), I could envision a scenario in which there is some sort of blackbird migration. Yes, you heard that right, if things progress to that point where we decide to merge our lives together, I would recant my "I'm never getting married again" statement. Should I say it one more time? HOLY SHITBALLS!!!

Anyhow, I thought I wasn't going to be able to see her again until January because the holidays are the busiest time of year for her kitten business, but earlier tonight she invited me to MA for Christmas and New Year's, and I'm ecstatic. She said that she wanted me to feel the holiday spirit, plus I'll be meeting her family and I'll be able to kiss her at midnight on NYE, which I already know will be magical. Shit, I haven't even said anything in this entry about what it's like to kiss her. It's like a sacred touch. Seriously. When we kiss it's not like that animalistic rip-your-clothes-off kind of lip locking - it's a mystical caress of loving kindness where the blackbird says to the empress, "I see you," and the empress says to the blackbird, "I see you, too." Maybe this makes sense, I dunno. It makes sense to me.

I'm gushing like a teenage girl at this point so I'm going to end this entry and get some work done; it's funny how badly the first 9 months of this year have gone and how all of that angst and sadness and boredom and general misery have been wiped away and replaced by hopefulness and joy and a belief that the future will be a bright one. I feel like she's the one I've been waiting my whole life to meet, and now she's here.

I love you, Empress of the Multiverse.