Can't Keep A Good Bird Down

Usually when I write things here, it's because they aren't settled in my mind and I want to rant about them or use this space to think through them, or something along those lines. However, as I'm trying to think about the events of the last 10 days or so with R (I don't think it's appropriate to say RAWR anymore), I find that I just don't have much more to say. I can't say that I'm happy with the outcome, but I am accepting of it, and while I do not have a girlfriend anymore, I do have another friend, and that's OK. Perhaps the lesson that the universe was trying to teach me this time around is that of forgiveness; perhaps it was simply trying to get me to try something different. Maybe the universe is trying to teach me that my "care supply" is not as finite as I think it is. I'm not sure. I do know that I've often said that I've felt like certain thought processes and behaviors were so deeply ingrained that I had no concept of even thinking differently, and yet I was able to try some things here that I never would have even considered previously. There's a psytrance track on my weekly "Release Radar" playlist from Spotify that has a sample in it that says, "You're only as young as the last time you changed your mind." Yeah, I like that. One sprightly young blackbird right here.

In the end, why did things go AWOL? I believe that it ultimately came down to simple physics. There were definitely some other things that factored into it, but all of those things were exacerbated by the fact that I live in California, she lives in Texas, and nobody has invented teleportation technology yet.^[1] I genuinely believe that if we lived within driving distance of each other, the "other stuff" would have either not been an issue at all, or we would have been able to work through it. Text messages and video chats are wonderful inventions, but nothing will ever be a substitute for cuddling up on the couch and talking, or playing scrabble, or making a trip to the HEB for sushi and chocolate-chip muffins. It is exponentially harder to work through problems or even to know that problems exist when you only see each other in person every few weeks, and this is one of those unfortunate circumstances that did not have a workaround. Although I make a decent salary, I still live in one of the most expensive areas in the world, and it would not have been financially possible for me to see her every weekend. But even if it had been, I'm not sure that it would have been enough.

I feel confident that R knows how much I cared (and still do care, mind you) about her, and I hope that at least some of what I expressed to her on my trip out there last weekend will stick with her moving forward; she is smart and funny and beautiful, and she should never feel like she is not enough for anyone. The fact is that nobody should ever feel that way. She also said that she wasn't used to people sticking up for her, but she should be, because that's what people do when they care about you. I don't give two shits, a half-eaten rat's ass, or even a flying fuck about most people, but when I do decide to truly care about someone^[2], there is no halfway. It reminds me of something TC said a few months back that once she loves someone, she can't unlove them, even if the nature of the relationship changes. I'm not sure that I can go quite that far; there are people whom I have loved in the past that I definitely don't love anymore - I don't wish any ill to come to them, and I hope they are all happy in their current lives, but if they were to call me up at 3am and say they were in a fix and needed my help, I probably wouldn't lift a finger - but those are also people from whom the separation was more dumpster fire than amicable parting of ways, so the situation is a bit different.

R and I will see each other again at some point. It might be this year, if she feels like doing Thanksgiving with me and my family in Phoenix (my mom already knows that we've broken up but that R still has an open invitation to come as my friend), but if I were a betting blackbird (and I am - or at least I used to be), I would bet that it will be next summer when she finishes school, as I did say that I would go to her graduation, and if there is one thing about blackbirds, it is that just like the Lannisters, who always pay their debts, they always do what they say they are going to do.^[3]

What now, you ask? Nothing, really. I have zero interest right now in dating or meeting new people, but it's not because I'm heartbroken and sad. Neither of those are accurate descriptions of how I feel, although I would be lying if I said I'm unaffected by all of this, too. There is a void in my soul that was not there before, and that sucks (is this the understatement of the year?), but I have gotten through worse things and I will get through this one, too. As far as the future of blackbird dating, though, the reality is that it takes a lot of resources to meet new people, friends or otherwise, and right now I think those resources (time, energy, emotion, etc.) are both in short supply and better allocated elsewhere: work, gym, cats, and sleep. At some point I will probably change my mind, but I'm not going to make any predictions as to when that will be or in what direction things will go. Besides, I finally feel like my knee is starting to make some noticeable progress (I got my heel to touch my butt for the first time today), and I want to build on that so I can get back on the ski slopes and/or start training again for Atacama (at this point it may not be until 2019).

Many of the events of this year have seriously shaken my belief in the mantra that defines this blog, but what I've also found from the events of this year is that given time, it remains true. Blackbirds are fucking indestructible. We can be hurt, we can feel pain, and while we are really good at hiding it, we do feel self-doubt. But we'll always be back.