Reset.

Once again, I find myself having gone multiple weeks without keeping this thing up to date, and once again, I'm trying to catch up with workout logs and happenings in the life of Raven J. Blackbird. We'll talk about training stuff first.

Frankly, the last few weeks have been a struggle of motivation. Between the constant rain, a sore knee, a sore Achilles, and assorted non-workout activities that have been consuming my time, things haven't really been progressing in any great fashion. I've only been skiing once in the last three weeks, and I haven't run a single mile. The only redeeming element here is that I've actually been in the gym with some measure of regularity. However, the reality of my situation with respect to this race has also set in, and I've made the decision to drop out. It's not so much an issue of being able to get enough training done between now and October that I'm concerned about (although that's certainly a factor) as it is other things that which have become unavoidable roadblocks. Basically, it comes down to finances. The money that I would have spent to cover the remainder of the entry fee, travel, and gear is going to have to go to Uncle Sam for last year's taxes. I wasn't expecting a multi-thousand-dollar tax bill, but there it is, and there's not much I can do about it. So, yeah. Blackbirds may be indestructible, but the taxman cometh to us all.

What now?

It might seem sort of pointless to even keep this blog around if the original goal is no longer on the table, but I don't plan to take it down. I'm still in the gym, and I'm still training, and I'm still trying to build a better blackbird every day. My workouts are going to go back to being powerlifting-focused, so instead of preparing to run 155 miles, I'm going to work towards squatting 500lbs. Or something like that.

So, before we move on to the next major topic, here are the workouts from the past few weeks in reverse chronological order. Unfortunately I don't remember all of the exercises from a few of them.

01 March: chest/triceps
dumbbell bench press: 50x20, 50x20, 50x15, 50x12
pushups: 20, 20, 15, 12
3-way cable fly: 6x10, 6x10, 7x10, 7x10
seated chest press: 115x20, 115x20, 120x15, 130x12
seated dip: 20, 20, 15, 12
tricep pressdown: 9x20, 9x20, 10x15, 11x12
biometrics

28 Feb: maintenance
Balance and stretching work
biometrics

24 Feb: legs
squat: 95x20, 145x20, 145x20, 145x20, 145x20, 145x20
pause squat: 115x10, 120x10, 125x10
biometrics

22 Feb: don't remember
biometrics

21 Feb: back/shoulders
biometrics

19 Feb: chest/triceps
dumbbell bench press: 50x20, 50x20, 50x15, 50x12
pushups: 20, 20, 15, 12
3-way cable fly: 6x10, 6x10, 6x10, 7x10
seated chest press: 110x20, 110x20, 120x15
1-arm DB snatch: 50x10, 50x10

16 Feb: legs & maintenance
walking lunges: 600
stretching & massage

11 Feb: skiing
biometrics

8 Feb: don't remember
biometrics

Moving On.

I think getting back into powerlifting will help with some of my motivational issues, insofar as things related to the gym and eating healthier are concerned. But this isn't the only thing going on in Blackbirdland. I've been seeing someone for about a month now. When I mentioned doing something that I hadn't done in over a decade in my previous post, that's what I was referring to - going on a date. It turns out that we actually sorta like each other, and we've gotten together multiple times in the last four weeks. She's spent the night at my place, I've spent the night at her place, we've met each other's cats, etc. This is all a good thing, right?

I'm not entirely convinced. Don't get me wrong, I think this girl is really cool, and we have some INSANE physical chemistry, but there's no significant emotional depth to our relationship. This would be OK, I think, if I believed that she felt the same way, but when she starts eyeballing me with that smitten look, I start to feel a bit uncomfortable, like she might have feelings for me that I don't have for her. Do I think that said feelings might ever materialize? I don't know. I suppose anything is possible, but a) I really value my alone time, and I don't appreciate people texting me every day to make small talk, and b) I'm not interested in having a "girlfriend" right now unless that person can ignite my circuitry the same way that S did. I also didn't think, going into it, that she was interested in having a "boyfriend" since she made such a big deal out of being non-monogamous.

The major problem, as I see it, is that our relationship is too focused on the physical. Blackbirds require intense and frequent intellectual stimulation or they get bored. I think we've gone out like 10 times or something in the last month, and with the exception of the first meeting, every time has either started or ended in someone's bedroom. This is a problem that most guys would probably like to have. I'm not most guys. I'd rather plan an encounter around some non-sexual activity like a concert or a lecture or a ski trip (except that she doesn't ski) or something of that sort. If it ends up with a little horizontal mambo, that's OK, but it shouldn't be the focus of the date. This will get really old, really quickly, and I can already see it starting to happen. I told her last week that a purely or primarily physical relationship is a sure-fire way for me to lose interest; she said that she was actually happy to hear me say this, but I don't know what will or won't change as a result.

I am not optimistic about the future of this particular engagement, but we will see how it goes. If she can accept the fact that much of the time I like to be left alone, and that it has nothing to do with her, then maybe it will last a little while. If not, then it won't.

And then there's the day job. I'm just finding it hard to give a shit. I've been there a little over two years now, and typically my attention span for any job is right around three years, so on one hand this isn't entirely surprising. It doesn't help that our junior DBA is really junior and lacking in a lot of basic knowledge that I think we all assumed he had, and the other senior DBA is someone that I don't get along with. I'm not sure how I'm going to address this situation; I can't manufacture motivation out of thin air, I can't turn R into a non-douchebag, and I can't fill A with all the knowledge he's missing and still have time to do my job. I also don't want to start looking for a new gig, because I really do want to make it four years so that all of my equity vests, in the hopes that there's a significant IPO exit to be had. I think I just need to accept that the next couple of years are going to be a slog all around and just find a way to cope. Except that I don't smoke pot, I don't really like alcohol, and I don't have any Vicodin. Kinda screwed. :-P

Departure for Ozora is only 150 days away. Keep calm and psytrance on.