Bollocks!

Yeah, three more weeks have passed without an update, partially because it seems like every time I think about writing something it's 3:00 in the morning or somesuch and I make the decision to just bag it and go to bed instead of firing up the blog-o-matic. And as circumstance would have it, it's 3am again, but this time I'm writing something.

In my last post from a few weeks ago, I mentioned that I had started dating someone. That's over. I could go into all sorts of excruciating detail as to what happened, what didn't happen, and why, but really, it came down to two things. First and foremost, there are some things that I just have zero tolerance for and will not put up with from ANYONE, and one of the big ones is passive-aggressive behavior. That just really served as the trigger, though, for something that had to happen anyway.

The unfortunate thing here is that there really wasn't anything wrong with this person, in the sense that there wasn't anything which would have sent me running for the exits. We had fun together. We had good physical chemistry. She was cute, and she wasn't dumb. But in the end, despite all of those things, something just wasn't there. We'd have fun spending time together, and then I'd find myself angry for no obvious reason when we parted, or I'd be wondering why she seemed oddly persistent on asking what I was doing when I wasn't spending time with her.

It's a challenge when someone seems to be a lot more into you than you are into them, and it's even more difficult when you had a certain notion of what the relationship was probably going to be when you started hanging out and then discover that it didn't turn out that way at all. Time to pull the escape hatch, because the plane is going down. How to do this, though? The choice ended up being between three alternatives, none of them particularly pleasant:

a) Take an opportunity which was presented to me and use it as a means to effect a clean break. This meant being a bit more harsh than I would have been otherwise, and I don't feel particularly good about it.
b) Continue dating until whatever it is that doesn't sit right just boils over and turns into the twin barrels of blackbird wrath. Nobody wants this. Trust me.
c) Try to explain to someone that even though you like them and they like you and all these things seem to be going pretty well that you're just not into it anymore. The problem with this one is that most people don't react very well to it, and then it turns into a bunch of questions and a bunch of hastily-constructed answers in an attempt to be clear without being hurtful, and in the end, you've taken what should have just been a shallow grave and dug yourself all the way to the Earth's core.

Option B is a non-starter. I've had the light version of option C done to me before, that felt like shit, so I wouldn't wish this on anyone. "Oh, hey, you're great, and cute, and smart, and fun, and nice, but you're just not ... [this space intentionally left blank]." I couldn't even say that it was a lack of chemistry. We had different visions for the future, perhaps - and not even in the same way as with C and I where there was a known obstacle. Whatever this missing thing is or was will remain a missing mystery, but you can't start a fire without a spark.^[1]

And so, that left option A - be a bit of a dick now so that I wouldn't have to be a much bigger dick later.

Another thing worth noting here is that when I tell people that I am probably not like anyone else they've ever met, I really am not doing this because of some overly pompous sense of self-importance. I say it because it's true. In time, I might be the best friend you've ever had, but if you're not someone that I have a long history with, and something happens that I'm not willing to accept, then I have no problem shutting that connection down and moving on.

Life is too short for anything less than ecstatic wonder and for anything that does not make my existence a better one, and I hope that anyone I choose to interact with feels the same way. Too many people are too willing to settle for second-rate relationships (or worse) because they're afraid to be alone, or because society tells them that they need another human to be complete. Wake up. I'm not going to spout any bollocks about loving yourself before you can love others, but I am going to say that there is much liberation in being self-contained and self-propelling, because once you realize that you don't NEED anyone else, you can be with people that you truly WANT.

All of that said, I'm still giving the whole online dating thing a chance, and there are a couple of women that I've been chatting with that I hope to actually meet in person in the near future and see how it all goes. But the whole thing is also a serious pain in the ass, and I could just as easily end up reverting back to my solitary ways. Between work, training, skiing, and travel, the only way I'm going to make time for dating is if the person I'm with really inspires my spirit. Only a blackbird can build a better blackbird, but sometimes it takes a penguin, an owl, or even a hyena to provide that spark of inspiration.

And one more...

Before I get back into posting some workout logs, I'm going to comment on one other surprising fact that I discovered about myself recently. At the risk of being a bit TMI (who cares?!) suffice it to say that, like many men, I've entertained the fantasy of the FMF threesome. However, when the opportunity to experience this was effectively presented to me on a silver platter, I turned it down. What the fuck is wrong with me, you say? Nothing. What I realized is that it's simply not compatible with my rejection of half-assery. If I'm with someone, then I want 100% of my attention to be focused on that person. That's how you connect. That's where the chemistry is. That's what makes the insertion of tab A into slot B worthwhile (along with the various other activities that might be concomitant). But when there are multiple other parties involved, it's impossible to give 100% of your attention to one person without giving zero percent of it to another. Or you can try to split your attention in some arbitrary fraction between the other parties involved, but that runs entirely opposite the idea of being able to completely connect.

This isn't some hooey gooey romantic meandering into ideas about "making love" - it doesn't matter if it's completely sensual or if you're a couple of sex-starved dragons ripping each other to bits and drowning in every ecstatic moment. The concept is the same. Before tab A and slot B can get acquainted, spirit A and spirit B need to get to connecting. Mind A and mind B need to have, well, a meeting of the minds. And while there was certainly a part of me that would have enjoyed making the third party's eyes roll back in her head, that would have required entirely focusing on her to the complete neglect of the second party - i.e., the one that I was dating originally. I couldn't do it. And I wasn't going to half-ass my interactions with both of them.

So, if there are any dudes out there who are reading this and who have entertained this same fantasy, this blackbird would just like to tell you that if you ever have the opportunity, it may not turn out the way you thought it would. I don't know if I would ever go down that road again. Maybe - sometimes you have to try something a second or third time to find out that you really do or don't like it - but I'm not going to be in any great hurry. If the planets don't align, it just doesn't matter.